


when you said you were falling apart (i thought you meant that you were falling apart)

by stefonzolesky



Category: Saturday Night Live
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, Trans Male Character, i worked for two months on this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 23:40:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10581885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: "Tell me about yourself, Bill Hader," Seth laughs. "If that even is your real name.""Right, where do you want me to start?" Bill presses his lips together tightly, choosing to ignore Seth's poorly timed joke. Seth's eyes are nearly as bright as the lights that are bound to go out around the city any moment now. He shrugs.





	

_ (title from classifieds by the academy is...) _

_ (au with no wives or anything bc fuck that my boys aren’t homewreckers) _

_ (also my sincerest apologies for making john a dick in the beginning. he gets better. he’s ooc in the beginning too because i didn’t know  that much about him, and i also didn’t know he doesn’t drink so let’s just pretend that’s not a thing) _

 

+

 

“Billy, you ready?” John knocks on the frame of Bill’s dressing room door. “Your favorite skit, comin’ up.”

 

Bill cracks a smile, glancing over his shoulder at the man in the doorframe. “You want me dead, Mulaney.” His voice cracks noticeably as he speaks, and a laugh escapes John’s lips.

“Nope, just love seeing you break.  _ Especially _ after how much trouble you had during dress.” Mulaney slaps his hand around the doorframe. “You’re on in a few minutes. Hurry up, nerd.” 

 

Bill tugs his sleeves into his hands, readjusting the wig that falls over one of his eyes. He and John were up on writing night, throwing ideas back and forth for a skit that neither of them could get enough of. Both of them were all for it, and it might have been Bill’s favorite they had written. John was dead-set on making him crack, and he hated the man for it. He decided he’d for sure prove him wrong, this time. And hopefully, every other time, if they keep the sketch.

 

The first time they used the sketch, it was, well, an actual sketch. It didn’t do too well with the crowd, but he and John loved it so much that he insisted on keeping it and working it in some other way. He finally managed to do that a whole season later.

 

Mulaney raises his eyebrow at Bill. “You ready? You should wait sidestage. Your emo hair looks beautiful, quit messing with it.” He gives Bill a slap on the back as he leaves the dressing room. Bill rolls his eyes.

 

“Thanks, Mulaney. If I crack, I’ll get you back for it.” Bill laughs as he makes his way sidestage to watch Seth tell the fake news, taking a seat in the office chair nearby when he’s about to go on.

 

“It’s springtime in New York,” Seth has his hands gripped on the edge of the desk, his head tilted to one side, “and thousands of tourists are coming to the city.” He shifts in his seat, sitting up a little straighter. “Here now with some tips on the best New York spots to check out is our city correspondent, Stefon.”

 

Seth looks to Bill, who takes the cue and rolls in, landing behind the desk. His hands are folded together, and his lips are pursed. He stops himself on the desk when he rolls too far and turns himself facing forwards, drawing one hand along his chest. After a beat, he folds his hands together and lets out a breathy “Hi.”

 

“Uh,” Seth drawls, watching Bill run a hand down his wig. “Hey, Stefon. Uh, are you okay? You seem different.” 

 

Bill covers his face, leaning forwards against the desk a little. After another beat, he removes his hands from his face, rubbing them together. “I’ve had a weird few years.” 

 

A small laugh escapes Seth’s lips. “Okay,” He chuckles. Bill makes a small noise in confirmation that overlaps Seth’s laugh. “Uh, so, Stefon,” Seth glances away from him, back towards the audience. “Uhm—”

 

“Yeah?” Bill turns his gaze to Seth, looking him over, which is something he hasn’t really done before. It never occurred to him.

 

“You know, families— It’s the time of year where families are coming to New York. Where can tourists go if they’re looking for a great time in New York City?”

 

Bill rubs his hands together. “If you’re looking for a good time, look no further. New York’s hottest club is  _ Crease. _ Club promoter, Tranny Oakley, has gone all out.” He pauses, and the audience omits a collective chuckle. “And inside is just everything.” He begins to count on his fingers. “Lights, psychos, furbies. Screaming babies in Mozart wigs.” The audience laughs again. “Sunburned drifters with soap-sud beards—”

 

Seth reaches out a hand to stop him. “I’m sorry— I’m sorry—  _ What?” _

 

“You know, it’s that thing, of when a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.” He sits up a little taller when he gets a laugh out of everyone, covering his mouth to try and keep himself from laughing. Seth sits back in his chair, a confused yet entertained look on his face.

 

“I— I  _ think _ I know what you mean?” He pauses. “But now, Stefon—”

 

Bill takes his hands from his face, making eye contact with Seth again. “Yeah?”

 

“Again, if people… Like, if a family of normal people—”

“Right.”

 

“—were looking to see some of the more classic New York sights—”

 

“Mhm,” Bill grunts out, trying to stop himself from laughing again.

 

“You know, like Central Park—”

 

“Central Park, yeah—”

 

“The Statue of Liberty—”

 

“Mhm—”

 

“Would you have any recommendations?”

 

“Yes. New York’s hottest club is  _ Wesh.”  _ Bill sits forwards. “Nine-year-old Tokyo pimp Ichiaku Guru is back with an all new hotspot that answers the question,  _ ‘What?!’ _ ” He draws back, trying to make his face look as disgusted as possible before returning to its normal state. He looks shocked for a moment. “This place has everything.” He counts on his fingers again. “Trance, stilts, throw-up music. An albino that looks like Susan Powter. Teddy Graham people—”   
  
Seth cuts him off again, and he feigns shock. “Hold on, hold on, hold on—” Seth rambles, looking amused. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Bill covers his face. “I gotta stop you for a second. What are Teddy Graham people?”

 

“It’s that thing, of like, when a guy has the stumpy arms, but with the belly,” He mimes as he talks, covering his face afterwards. Seth grimaces.

 

“Yeah, that’s… That’s definitely not a thing.”

 

“Yeah, it is.”

 

“No…” He pauses “I— You’re doing great, Stefon—”

 

“Oh, _ thank you _ , Seth Meyers—

 

“If we were talking about— and again —just, regular, run-of-the-mill people—”

 

“Mhm…”

 

“Maybe from the Midwest, who are looking to do something with their kids?”   
  
“Right, kids.”

 

“Or their grandparents.”

 

“Mhm,” Bill tries (and fails) to stifle a small laugh, pursing his lips tightly and resorting to covering his face.

 

“If they were coming here—”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Could you recommend some… Someplace that may be fun for them?”

 

“Mhm,” Bill tries to stop himself from giggling. “New York’s hottest club is  _ Twice.”  _ He holds his hands out in front of him for a moment. “Don’t be thrown off when you’re greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix— You’re in the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything.”

 

“No—”

 

“Gauze, carnival barkers, groups of guys with afros in graduation caps. Human fire hydrants.”

 

Seth holds up a hand to stop him yet again. “Ah, what is— What is a human fire hydrant?” He can’t help but laugh.

 

“You know, it’s that thing, of when high-waisted midgets—” Bill nearly breaks there, but he won’t give Mulaney the satisfaction. “Have like, the red p—” He bites back another laugh and then breaks into giggles, already imagining the ‘I told you so’ he’s gonna get from John. 

 

“You’re doing great.”

 

“I know,” He sits up, trying to compose himself. “I’m doing… Great.” 

 

“Yes, it’s important people know what this is.”

 

“Mm—Mhm—” Bill forces back another laugh. “It’s that thing when high-waisted midgets have, like, the red pants, and the big ass.” He covers his face again.

 

“Oh. Oh. Oh, right, that thing. Look, Stefon. I— Y’know— We asked you to come here and tell us about fun, touristy things. We were pretty clear on the phone. Uh, places people— regular people —can go on a spring weekend.”

 

“Right, mhm—” Bill tries to keep from breaking once more.

 

“But, I have to say,” Seth glances at him amusedly. “The things  _ you  _ described sound like visions a dying gay man would have if he was under too many blankets.” 

 

“Fair, that’s fair.”

 

“But you know what Stefon?” Seth sounds like he’s gonna crack up any moment. “Your heart was in the right place. And I really enjoyed having you here.”

 

“Awh. Yay!” Bill puts his arms out to either side, freezing, and Seth points a finger at him.

 

“Stefon, everyone!”

 

Bill grabs hold of Seth’s hand and shakes it, his gaze lingering far too long before he pushes himself off the set. 

 

John is waiting for him offstage with a smug grin. “I knew I’d make you crack! I knew it!” He speaks a little too loudly, and one of the camera guys motions for him to quiet down. He offers Bill a stupid grin before leaning against the wall just offstage. “I’m up next. Go back to whatever you do in your dressing room, Hader.”

 

+

 

Bill is lucky enough that Stefon is his only sketch that night because he’s not had the best week. Nobody really catches on, so he doesn’t bring it up and pretends like everything's perfect in hopes that it might actually fix itself. 

 

“Good show, huh?” Akiva drops a stack of pizza boxes on a big table in the back, followed by Jorma, who adds two more on top. He doesn’t give anyone a chance to answer when he confirms. “Good show.”

 

Everyone is far too tired to answer in the first place, besides John and Andy, who are both somehow full of energy all the time.

 

“Hey, Billy!” John kicks back in his seat next to Bill. “Wanna throw some jokes back and forth? See what’s funny? Jorm can help out too. And Kiv. And anyone else who wants to, huh? It’ll get some writing in, take some load off everyone’s shoulders.” The group breaks out into agreeable chatter that quickly disperses. “Here, I’ll start something first. Hey, hey. How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?” There’s a beat. “A Brazilian!”

 

The group erupts into laughter and a smile twitches at the corners of Bill’s lips. “Here, I’ve got one,” He shakes his head. “ I went to the zoo the other day. It was empty, except for a single dog—” He leans back against his chair. “It was a Shih Tzu.”

 

Andy nearly falls off his chair laughing. Fred is slapping his thigh. Bill rolls his eyes, the joke wasn’t even that funny. Jorma takes a seat, leaning forwards against the table. 

 

“Why can’t you tell when a pterodactyl is going to the bathroom?” A grin spreads across Kiv’s face as the joke is told, and he makes eye contact with Jorm as the other boy finishes it. “The ‘P’ is silent!”

 

John lets out a cackle, clapping his hands together. “I’ve got one, I’ve got one!” He speaks through gasps. “DC Comics has introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called—” He gasps for breath, and everyone else seems to be laughing the same, but Bill has fallen short. “‘Wonder If It’s a Woman!”” 

 

Bill’s eyes linger over everyone’s expressions, and even Seth is laughing at this point. He feels his face heating up. “I’m sorry, I have to go.” It comes out as a mumble, and he stands up quickly, nearly knocking over his chair as he goes to leave. John Mulaney keeps laughing at his own joke. He doesn’t bother softening the slam of the door behind him. 

 

The laughter echoes again when the door opens and someone steps behind him.

 

“Kristen, if it’s you, I need space, not whatever else you’re gonna offer me,” Bill speaks up quietly, not bothering to look at who he assumes is Kristen Wiig behind him. There’s a cough.

 

“Actually, I’m not Kristen, but I can go— If— If you want me to.” 

 

Bill shifts to look at whoever followed him: Seth Meyers. His face drains. “Uh, you don’t have to.” He can’t talk to Seth. Seth thought John was funny. He thought John’s joke was funny; he was laughing. To be fair, so was Kristen. And so was everyone else. So was everyone else. “I don’t think I’ll be coming in next week.” Or ever again. Just a possibility. Probably. Seth tilts his head.

 

“Why not? Jorma’s writing some skits in there right now, him and Kiv are tossing ideas around with Mulaney.” 

 

“With Mulaney,” Bill repeats under his breath. “I think Mulaney hates me.”

 

Seth laughs in disbelief. “No offense, but why would Mulaney hate you? You guys are, like, best friends or something.”

“I don’t think he realizes it yet,” Bill tries to choose his words as carefully as he can. “But he hates me. Or he will. Or I’m being paranoid and taking things too far out of hand. It’s usually the third one, but judging by what just happened in there, it probably isn’t this time.”

  
Seth raises an eyebrow. “Bill, are you feeling alright?” 

 

“Honestly? No. I’m having a bad week.” Bill resorts to pacing, running a hand through his hair. “I guess? It’s been kind of a trainwreck.” 

 

“Do you want to talk about it, or something?”

 

“Not really.” The reply comes short, and Seth looks taken aback.

 

“Right, well, uhm.” He clasps his hands together. “I’ll be in there if you need me. I guess. I still— I still don’t understand what upset you so much, though.”

 

Bill stops pacing and looks to the ground. “Right. John’s joke was kind of a dick move, huh?”

 

“Well, yeah,” a confused smile twitches at the corners of Seth’s mouth. “But it wasn’t really targeted at anyone in there, and I don’t think it would have offended anyone—” He stops abruptly, the thought of almost-realization dawning upon his face. “Right?”

 

Bill grits his teeth involuntarily. “Right. Seth, maybe you should go back in there. I’m not up for talking about this right now.”

 

Seth stares at him, his face nearly unreadable. Bill can sense a hint of concern, or is that confusion? Maybe anger, maybe surprise. He can’t tell, he can’t even tell what he’s feeling. Everything's a blur of nonsense because of a joke that John Mulaney made. Because of a joke Bill let hit him too hard.

 

“No, we’re gonna talk about this,” Seth eventually says, and he means it. Bill knows he’s not gonna let up; Bill  _ knows _ Seth Meyers. “We’re gonna talk about this, because I thought I knew a lot about you, Bill Hader. It turns out I don’t.”

 

“Seth, we really don’t need to do this,” Bill tries. And fails. Seth raises an eyebrow.

 

“We really do. You’re one of my best friends, and this is bothering you, so we’re gonna talk about it. Okay?” 

 

A sigh escapes Bill’s lips, and he nearly throws his arms above his head in exasperation. “Okay, fine. We’ll talk about this. But somewhere else? Please?”

 

“Alright,” Seth smiles. He fucking smiles. Bill is watching his life wreck in front of his eyes, and all Seth does is smile.

 

“If you tell anyone any of this, I’ll kill you,” He grumbles out, and Seth laughs, his eyes twinkling.

 

“I’ll be sure not to,” He promises. “Come on, let’s sit outside.” 

 

Bill follows Seth, quite reluctantly, with his eyes trained on the ground. It’s been a long while since he’s spoken to anyone about this, and it could quite literally  _ ruin _ his life if word got out. There’s a bench outside the studio, and the streets of New York are empty, which is a rare occurrence. Seth sits down, patting the space next to him for Bill to sit down. 

 

“Tell me about yourself, Bill Hader,” Seth laughs. “If that even is your real name.”

 

“Right, where do you want me to start?” Bill presses his lips together tightly, choosing to ignore Seth’s poorly timed joke. Seth’s eyes are nearly as bright as the lights that are bound to go out around the city any moment now. He shrugs.

 

“Anywhere. The beginning is always a good place.” Seth laughs a little more, but Bill can tell that he realizes he’s treading on thin ice. “And when you get to the end, stop.”

 

“Shut up,” a smile twitches on Bill’s lips. “This is serious.”

 

“Right, right,” Seth tilts his head, biting the insides of his cheeks to hold back another laugh. “Of course. Go ahead.”

 

“Right. I’ll— I’ll do that.” And Bill feels worse than he has in a long time, because it’s something that simple to say, a grain of sand that could cause his world to crash down around him. He trips and stumbles over his words for the first time in a while, and he’s pretty sure that Seth realizes that something is really bothering him,  _ really _ bothering him. Bill feels Seth’s hand rest on his thigh. “I’m supposed to be a funny guy, yeah?” Bill laughs weakly. “I’m the funny guy. And here I am, barely able to fucking talk.”

 

“Take your time, buddy,” Seth tries to keep his voice soft, and Bill can tell that he really cares. He doesn’t allow himself to think that it might not go wrong. That’s called getting your hopes up. That’s something Bill hates doing. 

 

“I— I’ve got two sisters. Uh, Katie and Kara. We’re an odd few names, yeah? Katie, and Kara, and  _ Bill.” _ Bill can’t help but laugh. His parents were always upset at him for that one.

 

“Do you— Do you not like your name or something?” Seth seems to be catching on, but he’s caught on the wrong side of the story.

  
“No, no,” Bill coughs into his fist. “I do. Used to fit together a lot more. My parents always liked names that started with ‘K.’ Katie, Kara. Kristen. Kassidy.” He takes a sharp breath. “Kasey. I was never a big fan.” There’s a beat. “I’m beating around the bush here, aren’t I?”

 

“Just— Just a little bit.” Seth leans back against the bench. “It’s fine, though. Take your time.”

 

“I hate that I do that,” Bill mumbles. “It’s always too much of a hassle, doesn’t make anything easier. I still do it, though. Anyways, yeah. I’ve always been too preoccupied to give myself a lot of thought. My dad’s name was Bill Hader too. He didn’t want a son.”

 

“He’s— He’s got one, though,” Seth furrows his eyebrows. “Right?”

 

“For the most part. Sometimes I don’t think he does, not really. Maybe I’m just being stupid. He wasn’t happy about it, though.” 

 

“Bill— Are you saying you’re a girl or something?” Seth straightens himself out a little. A warped laugh pushes through Bill’s lips.

 

“Quite the opposite, actually. I’m saying I’m a boy.” 

 

“Right.” Seth’s face scrunches up, like it always does when he’s thinking. “Why would you think you aren’t? If you want to answer that.”

 

“Because people tend to tell me I’m not,” Bill says it all too simply, as if it no longer phases him. Seth nods a little. 

  
“But you are. Stop me if I assume something wrong, but you’re a boy. You’re a boy, and people— People who know— Something. Tend to tell you that you aren’t. A lot of people don’t know. They don’t know that you’re— That you— You’ve got—” Seth looks frustrated trying to find the right words. “But you’re still a boy.” He finally ends with.

 

“I think I get what you were trying to say, although you did somehow manage to avoid saying the words ‘transgender’ and ‘vagina,’ which I also try to avoid saying.” Bill laughs sadly, his head falling. Seth doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then, he stands up.

 

“I— I have to go, uh, I’m hungry— I didn’t eat anything. Uhm. Yeah. Bye, uh. Bill.” He quickly walks away, back into the studio, and Bill feels tears prick at the back of his eyes. He won’t let himself cry.

 

+

 

“Hey, Billy!” Andy wraps an arm around Bill’s shoulder when he finally gathers the courage to head back inside. “Where did you go? I was gonna go after you, but Seth handled it. Want some beer?”

 

“Beer!” Fred echoes behind him, holding up a half-empty bottle of beer. Bill shakes his head.

 

“I think I’ll stay sober tonight. Hope you guys find a way to get a ride home, because I’m not driving anyone.” Bill forces himself to laugh, sitting down next to John. Across from Seth. When they make eye contact, Bill feels the blood rise to his face at the same time it drains from Seth’s. He breaks eye contact and his fingers tremble as he grabs a slice of pizza, trying his hardest to distract himself. John shakes a glass bottle between his fingers loosely. 

 

“You sure you don’t want some, Billy?” He laughs. Bill politely declines again, his eyes darting over the crowd. He looks at Seth again, who’s drumming his fingers on the table, the only other completely sober person there. John grabs another drink, and when Akiva tries to pry it from his fingers because he ‘wants it more’ even though there’s a full cooler of them, he spits. “Suck my tit, Schaffer.”

 

“I’d gladly, if you had one.” Fred slurs drunkenly. “You’re one hot man, Mulaney.”    
  


“Sadly—” John hiccups. “Sadly, I’ve got no tits. Bein’ a woman seems like a good time— ‘cept I’m no she-man.” 

 

“Having tits doesn’t mean you’re a girl,” Bill mumbles under his breath. John laughs, and it’s harsh and loud.

 

“Yeah it does, don’t be silly, Billy! See, all the people who are girls here have got titties. And all the people who aren’t don’t got ‘em.” 

 

Bill looks down and decides it’s for the better if he doesn’t say anything else.

 

“But Bill—” Seth starts, cutting himself off. He looks anywhere but at Bill. 

 

“Don’t even, Seth Meyers,” Bill blurts. Nobody else seems to notice. Seth shrinks back. “I’m sorry, guys, this seems like a good time, but I have to head home.” 

 

“Billy!” Andy whines. “You don’t even have some drunk! You’re not even drunk!” 

 

“Yeah, I know. And as much as I’d like to be right now, I think I’d also like to be at home.” Bill grits his teeth. It’s not often that he gets upset at work, he’s a comedian for fuck’s sake. He catches Seth’s eye as he leaves and the older frowns. Bill could swear that Seth stands up after him, but he doesn’t bother to wait around outside the studio and see. He keeps his hands stuffed in his pockets, but he’s not even a few feet closer to his car when he hears his name.

  
“Bill! Fuck, Bill, I’m sorry!” Seth pants, his hand landing on Bill’s shoulder. “I was a dick, that was a dick move, and I’m sorry.” 

 

Bill twists around roughly, his face mere inches from Seth’s. He’s used to being unusually taller than people, at six-foot-one, but Seth is merely an inch shorter than him. It makes it hard to be intimidating. “You almost told everyone in there! You ran off, like— Like you couldn’t face me anymore, and then you almost told them!” After a moment, his anger fades. “I trusted you, Seth Meyers, and you spat it back in my face.”

 

“But I didn’t tell them! I realized that, and I didn’t tell them.” Seth looks down, seeming smaller than he is. “I didn’t tell anyone. I’m sorry.”

 

“And what about running off?” Bill tries to make himself taller, and he’s so frustrated, because Seth doesn’t  _ understand _ , and Bill doesn’t know why he expected him to.

 

“I panicked, okay! I panicked, because I learned something new, and I didn’t get it, and I panicked. There. I said it. But I don’t want to be a dick, and I saw how hurt you were when Mulaney was making those jokes, and I’m sorry. He’s being a dick, and I was being a dick, and I’m sorry.”

 

There’s a pause, far too awkward of a pause, before Bill speaks up. “Can you stop saying dick? It’s an uncomfortable word, ‘specially because I don’t have one,” He jokes, and Seth goes bright red. 

 

“Right, sorry, right—”

 

“Seth—”

 

“I just— I didn’t think—”

 

“Seth. Seth, I was joking, it’s fine.”

 

“Right,” Seth blushes even more. “Right. Because you’re— You’re a comedian, it’s— Right. Joking.”

 

“I’m not  _ that _ sensitive to it, not at all. And I like to joke at my own expense.” Bill kicks his foot on the concrete. “Anyways, I— I appreciate the apology. And the concern. I’m still going home, though.”

 

“I figured,” Seth admits, his face still red. “Especially after Mulaney’s been such an idiot.” There’s an awkward pause. “Can you give me a ride home? I drove with Will, and he left a while ago.”

 

Bill presses his lips together tightly. “Uh, yeah. Sure thing. My— My car is this way.”

 

+

 

“But if you were… If you were born a girl, why is your voice so low?”

 

“Because reasons.”

 

“And if you weren’t called Bill before, what were you called?”

 

“A name.”

 

“Why haven’t you, y’know, gotten…  _ The surgery _ yet?”

 

“It isn’t that simple.”

 

“Why won’t you answer my questions?”

 

“Because they’re offensive.” Bill tightens his grip on the steering wheel. Seth gapes at him.

 

“But I don’t mean them to be offensive,” He protests. “I’m just curious.”

 

“Sometimes, I forget you’re older than me.” Bill sighs. “You— You don’t decide what’s offensive to me, much less to a whole community.” 

 

That manages to shut him up. Bill flips on the radio, and some pop song that he vaguely recognises, something about  _ ‘Nice legs, daisy dukes’ _ blares through the speakers. Seth stares ahead, his eyes glossy. “I just wanted to make some conversation,” He mumbles. Bill laughs incredulously. 

 

“Sorry to inform you, but asking me about things it’s clear I’d rather not talk about isn’t exactly a good way to make conversation.” He takes a turn and the car jolts. Seth frowns.

 

“Be careful; I’d rather not get in a wreck,” He mutters. There’s an awkward pause with bad pop music playing in the background. Seth reaches over to switch it off, and Bill doesn’t object. “Will I  _ ever _ get an answer to those questions?”

 

“Maybe sometime,” Bill caves in after a moment. “I can answer the voice one with ‘medical shit,’ is that good enough? You might get the rest some other time, just not right now.”

 

Seth nods. “Medical shit, good enough answer.”

 

“And there’s two reasons for my not answering the name one,” Bill continues to talk, starting to ramble like he always does. “One, that’s just disrespectful. It shouldn’t  _ matter _ what my name used to be; it only matters what it is now. And two, you might be a dick and tell Mulaney. If he doesn’t know, he can’t use it against me, even if he finds out I’m not all as male as I say I am.”

 

“I’m not that much of an asshole, and I’m sure he’s not that much of an asshole,” Seth reasons. “The first time, he didn’t know it would offend you, it was just a joke. The second time, well, he was piss drunk. Which— I thought he didn’t drink anymore?”

 

“Drunk words are sober thoughts,” Bill pulls up to Seth’s house. “He gave up on that, too. Anyways, we’re here.” 

 

Seth rolls his eyes, mustering up as charming of a smile as he can give. “I’m just saying, give him another chance. I’ll talk to you next week at the latest, Bill.” He pries open the car door. “Thanks for the ride.” 

 

Seth shuts the door, and he’s gone before Bill can say anything else.

 

+

 

“Billy!” Is the first thing Bill hears when the phone stops ringing. “Katie, Billy called!” 

 

Bill winces, drawing his ear back from the clatter on the other end of the phone coming from his sisters, and he can hear Katie shouting in the background. Both of them had given up on finding roommates, resulting in them living with each other in Oklahoma, so that they could be close to their parents. Bill clicks his feet on the ground, laying back in his chair.

 

“Yeah, ha-ha,” He drones. “It’s me.”

 

“It’s you!” Kara croons, and he can  _ hear _ the smile on her face. “How’ve you been! I’ve seen all your shows—”

 

“We’ve seen all your shows!” Katie interjects. “You’re doing so good! You’ve gotta come visit sometime—”

 

“Have you gotten a girlfriend yet?”

 

“Shut up, Kara, we don’t know if he likes girls—”

 

“Right, right, right. Billy, do you have a boyfriend?”

 

“Calm down,” Bill can’t help but laugh into the receiver. “I’ve got neither, and I like both. Thank you for the concern.” He pauses. “Are mom and dad anywhere nearby?”

 

“Of course not,” Kara snorts, and Bill can tell that she’s rolling her eyes. “If they were, we’d be trying to be as discreet as possible with this call—”

 

“Yeah, we know you don’t like to talk to them—”   
  
“So, as you can tell by my shout of ‘Billy!’ across the house, mom and dad are  _ not _ here.” 

 

“You guys keep talking over each other. I can’t even tell which one of you it is anymore,” Bill laughs. “I called you for a real reason, though.”

 

“Aw, not just to catch up?” One of his sisters whines into the phone, Bill assumes it’s Kara.

 

“No, no, I just— I might be coming home soon, because word might be getting out around the studio.”

 

“Word of…?” There’s an awkward silence. “Oh. Right.” He can feel both of them grimacing on the other end.

 

“Right. Do you mind… If— If it goes wrong, if I stay with you?”

 

“Of course not!” They’re talking over each other again, shouts of “We miss you!” and “We could use the extra hand anyways!”  Things of that nature. 

 

His phone buzzes in his hand. “I’ve gotta go,” He chuckles. “I’ll call you two some other time.”

 

They overlap each other again, to tell him bye, and then the phone goes dead.

 

1 new message:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __John and I are getting pizza and drinks. Care to join?__



 

 

To:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __It’s 3pm on a Sunday, Seth__


  * _You know me too well. Can you pick me up?_



 

 

1 new message:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __Sure thing, I’ll be at your place in ten.__



 

 

+

 

Bill was trying his hardest to ignore the “John and I” part of Seth’s message, but that dissipates entirely when Seth pulls up and John is sitting in the passenger seat. Seth prods John and Bill watches him crawl into the backseat as he nears the car, pulling the door open and sitting down stiffly. 

 

“Try not to be so rude,” Seth mumbles. “I’m hoping we can sort something out, maybe tell him to stop being a dick without telling him why.”

 

Bill doesn’t say anything at first, bouncing his leg on the floorboard. After a moment, he speaks up. “Yeah, totally.” It’s laced with slight sarcasm, but Seth doesn’t seem to catch on. He just flashes a grin and starts driving to the pizza place. John cracks jokes in the back, stupid puns that both Seth and Bill can’t help but laugh at, and at this point, he’s starting to feel bad for holding a joke or two against Mulaney. Maybe Seth is right. Maybe he should just tell him, to get it over with, and hope the jokes stop instead of multiply. Besides, they’re close friends. Even if he’s  _ not _ okay with it, he can learn to be? He leans over to whisper to Seth. “I think I’ll just tell him, to get it out of the air and shit.”

 

“Are cats empathetic because they’re feel-ines?” John wonders aloud, and Seth nearly chokes on laughter, jolting forwards, which in consequence causes the car to jolt. John’s eyes go wide. “Was that because of me or something else?” 

 

“A little bit of both,” Seth admits, trying to contain himself. He’s all smiles and big eyes, and Bill finds himself staring a little too much.

 

“Well,” John shifts. “I’m always on time with my puns. You could say I’m pun-ctual.”

 

“Shut up, Mulaney,” Bill cracks, “That was terrible.”

 

“Terrible?” John raises his eyebrow, pulling a receipt from his pocket and ripping it in half. “Tear-able.”

 

“I rest my case,” Bill rolls his eyes, leaning back against the car seat and glancing out the window. “Have you guys started going through sketches for next week?”

 

“Yeah,” Seth nods, not taking his eyes off the road. “Jorm had some good ones. We’re bringing in some old friends, too. It’s gonna be a good time.”

 

“Yeah!” John nods quickly, sitting up a little straighter. “And I was thinking we could include some of those puns we were tossing back and forth last night.”

 

Seth grimaces. Bill shakes his head. “People won’t find those very entertaining,” He speaks through gritted teeth, trying not to object too passionately. 

 

“Come on, Billy,” John whines playfully. “Everyone loves a good pun.”

 

“Fine,” Bill caves. Maybe one or two, if everyone agrees.” He pauses. “But not the DC Comics one.”

 

John nods, his head ducked. “I figured that one might be a little offensive.”

 

“A little offensive?” Bill laughs bitterly. “That was pretty fuckin’ offensive.”

 

“It’s not like it offended anyone I told it to, though. Everyone thought it was funny but you.”

 

“Can we at least wait until we’re not in the car to do this?” Seth sighs loudly. “I don’t want any fights to happen, especially between two giants in my tiny car.”

 

“We’re both just an inch taller than you, Seth. And no fights are happening, not physical ones. But if everything goes too wrong, I may or may not decide to push him out of the car.”

 

“Please don’t,” And Seth sounds genuinely concerned that his friend might shove John Mulaney out of his car. “Please don’t shove John Mulaney out of my car. He’s not that much of a dick.”

 

“What did I tell you about saying dick, Seth,” Bill cracks a weak smile, trying to lighten up the tension that’s gathered in the small car. 

 

“You told me you were joking about that!” Seth groans, and Bill smiles even wider, shrugging a little and leaving Seth to wonder whether or not he was fucking joking.

 

(He later clarifies that he was, in fact, joking.)

 

John raises his hand, like grade school, and speaks up quietly, his face warped in confusion. “I think I’m missing out on something?”

 

“I think Bill might possibly explain,” Seth pulls into the parking lot of the pizza parlour. “In a few minutes. And I’m warning you, if you’re a di— If you’re an asshole, I’m not driving you home.”

 

“Right,” John holds his hands up in a surrender, a confused smile pulling on his lips. “I’ll be sure to not be an ass. It’s just my nature to joke about people.”

 

“Yeah, well, not the time,” Bill mutters as he gets out of Seth’s car, and honestly, he’s not been this stressed in months. “I’m honestly upset we couldn’t talk about this in the car, I was looking forwards to pushing Mulaney out.”

 

“Hey! See, Seth, if anyone’s being a dick here, it’s that guy,” John points a finger at Bill, ducking his head to get out of the car, and that’s when Bill registers exactly how odd they look. Three men, all of them at least six feet tall, standing by Seth’s tiny car. He can’t help but snort as he walks away. “Whatever you’re this worked up over must be juicy. Seth, you know what we like. I’m making this one spill.” He grabs hold of Bill’s arm and drags him to a chair, sitting him down and taking a seat across from him in the booth.

 

“John, need I remind you that I am four years older than you and a hell of a lot stronger,” Bill sighs out, trying to avoid the topic as much as he can, because why the  _ fuck _ would Seth tell John that he might tell him. Now, he’s got no choice.

 

“And I can put in word and get you fired,” John is grinning, why the fuck is he grinning? This isn’t something to be smiling over.

 

“That’s exactly what I’m scared about!” Bill hisses through his teeth, trying to catch sight of Seth, who’s ordering what they like, because John was right, he knows. He repeats himself, quieter this time. “That’s exactly what I’m scared about.” 

 

Bill has always prided himself on being able to keep his cool in nearly any situation— He can’t remember the last time he  _ actually _ cried. But recently, things have been getting a little out of hand, and currently, he’s having a pretty fucking hard time breathing. John’s eyebrows knit together.

 

“Woah, Bill, listen,” He starts, lines forming in his forehead. “Are you actually scared to talk to me about something? You’re one of my best friends, you don’t— I wouldn’t—  _ What?”  _

 

“It’s obviously something that’s a big deal to me,” Bill scoffs. “Not everything is a joke, though I don’t exactly expect you to understand that.”

 

“Is that a poke at me being a comedian? Because you’re a comedian too.”

 

“Yeah, but you don’t ever turn off! At least understand that sometimes things aren’t joking matters,” Bill runs his hands down his face, opening his mouth to speak but shutting it again when Seth sits down next to him.

 

“Have you talked to him yet?” Seth mumbles, his fingers drumming on the table. 

 

“No,” Bill grits his teeth. “And I wasn’t sure I was going to, either. But now I have to. Thanks for that, by the way. God, I’m trying to make a joke about this, because somehow it might be easier, but it’s not really coming to me.”

 

“Here,” Mulaney cracks a smile. “I’ll suck your dick if you tell me.”

 

“What is it with you two and badly timed jokes?” Bill laughs, and it’s a strangled kind of laugh. “The problem with that is I don’t exactly have one.” And he grimaces, shuts his eyes. Prepares himself for a blow, and… 

 

And everything is too silent. The explosion doesn’t happen. He cracks one of his eyes open, only to see something he’s not sure he’s seen before: John Mulaney in shock. 

 

“Are either of you gonna say anything anytime soon?” Seth breaks the silence that fell. “Because I’d rather not be in the middle of this.”

 

“And either way,” Bill finally continues, trying to make everything a little less awkward. “I wouldn’t want your fish lips around my nonexistent dick.”

 

“Hey, that’s offensive,” John objects, but he hasn’t got his normal level of energy. Bill presses his lips together tightly.

 

“You don’t  _ care, _ right?” There’s a pause. “Right?”

 

“No, no. Of course not. I just—”

 

“You just?”

 

“I just— I’ve gotta—”

 

“Oh, come on,” Bill complains. “Why does everyone always have to go once I tell them? Seth, you— Me, when I told my parents.” He laughs, for real this time, and Seth looks horrified.

 

“Your parents booted you?” His eyebrows are knitted and his cheeks are red. Bill shrugs.

 

“I guess so. In a way. It doesn’t matter, though. I’m fine now, it’s not like it scarred me or anything. Come on, Seth, I’m trying to be funny. Let me joke at my own expense.”

 

“That’s not funny! Your parents disowned you? That’s not funny,” Seth runs his hands down his face. “That’s not funny at all.” 

 

“They didn’t disown me, Seth. God, that’s just like you, always jumping to conclusions,” And at this point, Bill is surprised at himself for how calm he’s managed to be. “I still visit, they’re still my parents. They just… Kindly asked me to leave until this “phase” was over. It’s been thirteen years, I think they’d figure out it isn’t a phase by now.”

 

“You were how old?” Seth has no emotion in his voice.

 

“Eighteen. My younger sisters were against them kicking me out, thought it wasn’t worth it, thought it was stupid. And it was, but I mean.” He takes a breath, shrugging. “Leaving is better than them calling me the wrong name, just more aggressive than before. While I was trying to find a place to stay, they said it more often than they needed to. Kara and Katie kept correcting them, but they wouldn’t listen.” Bill bites his lip. “I think that’s enough serious talk for now.”

 

“No,” John finally interjects. “No, that’s not enough serious talk. How— How did I not know this? I’ve known you for so long, and I didn’t know—“

 

“Because I never told you, it’s that simple,” Bill reasons. “I didn’t think it was important, and it was never something I had to talk about. Can we get past this?”

 

“We cannot— Oh!” John sits up a little straighter. “Oh.” 

 

Seth raises an eyebrow at him. “Oh?”

 

“Oh, Bill,” John runs a hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think—“

 

“It’s fine, I’m over it,” And it’s only half true, but it’s better to say that now and let himself get over it the rest of the way instead of holding a grudge. “But now you know why I left.”

 

“Right. I’m— I’m still sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, uh, apology accepted. I guess. Promise you won’t look at me different, though?”

 

“I won’t,” John laughs quietly. “God, I feel really bad about those jokes. Is there any way I can make it up to you?”

 

Bill lifts his eyebrows, because he never really considered John wanting to make it up to him. “Buy my drinks,” He finally says. “I plan on getting  _ completely _ shitfaced.”

 

“Deal.”

 

+

 

“Bye, John,” Seth sighs as John stumbles drunkenly out of his car, his cheeks tinged pink and a stupid grin pulling on the corners of his lips. Bill presses his face up against the window and grins back, mouthing ‘Bye, John’ in the same fashion as Seth, just without the noise. John slams the door and waves animatedly. So fast, in fact, that Bill is sure his hand might fall off. Then again, the only thing he can register properly is the fact that he can’t exactly register anything properly. Seth’s dimple goes a little deeper when he smiles. Bill isn’t sure why he notices that.

 

‘You’re an attractive man, Seth Meyers,’ is what Bill tries to say. He tries to be smooth about it, tries not to sound too drunk. Though if he weren’t drunk, he probably wouldn’t be saying anything close to it in the first place. What comes out, though, is a slur of “You’re pretty,” where his words are washed together and he can’t get his tongue to work right.

 

Seth laughs as he puts the car back into drive. "And you're drunk."   
  
"Yeah, but," Bill gets cut off by himself sneezing, taking a moment to compose himself before continuing. "You're super pretty." His brain is registering this as wrong, it's all wrong, but he can't exactly make himself stop. Everything besides his brain points him to keep going.   
  
"Thanks," and most of Bill realizes that Seth isn't taking him seriously. That one part of him, the part with a little common sense left that hasn't been washed down by alcohol, is relieved. Unfortunately, the rest of him is a little more in control. He frowns.   
  
"I mean it! I really, really mean it,” Bill supposes he might be a little more believable if his words were more separated. “You’re— You’re a beautiful man, Seth. Truly wonderful.”

 

“Thank you, Bill,” Seth repeats, keeping his eyes on the road. “But you’re drunk.”

 

“Buh— But? But, so what?” Bill’s eyebrows knit together, and the rest of his common sense nearly flies out the window.

 

“So, you’re not thinking straight,” Seth shrugs, glancing off the road at a stoplight and offering Bill a smile. Bill’s eyes linger on his, on his face, and he takes in every detail. Of course, he spends a lot of time looking at Seth Meyers’ face, so it’s not like he notices anything new. He wouldn’t admit that he takes more time out to look at Seth normally, not when he was sober. But he’s not, so nothing that comes out of his mouth is what he would normally say.

 

“‘Course not, I’m fuckin’ gay. Extremely, don’t even— Don’t  _ imply _ that I’d ever be  _ straight _ ,” He manages, but it comes out more like “‘Course not, ‘mfuckin’ gay. ‘Stremly. Don’even… Don’imply that I’d ever be straight.” Which of course, is why Seth laughs.

 

“You are, are you?” His eyebrows lift and traffic lights glint against his eyes as he drives. “That's interesting.”

 

“Yeah!” Bill’s voice warps, and for a moment, he sounds oddly like John Mulaney himself.  “Yeah, ‘m gay. ‘m like, half of a gay man.”

 

“And is this Bill talking?” Seth sounds amused. “Or is it John?”

 

“It’s your me. It’s Bill,” Bill tries to make his sentence work, to make it the least bit understandable, but nothing he says is the most convincing. 

 

“Yeah, okay,” Seth nods, his hands on the wheel at twelve and two, which can’t be safe, but Bill doesn’t say anything on it, because he doesn’t exactly realize it’s wrong. He just registers that it’s not right. Seth, of course, corrects himself within the next few minutes. “I don’t exactly trust you to stay by yourself at home, though, so would you prefer to come to my house? Or I can drop you off with Kristen.”

 

“You,” Bill points at Seth, his finger centimeters from Seth’s shoulder. “B’cause then, then I can kiss you. On your lips” And there’s no way that sober Bill would be saying these things, not at all. Seth knows that, of course Seth knows that, and drunk Bill is upset. Because drunk Bill means these things. But they’re the kind of things that wouldn’t even occur to him sober. 

 

“Right. Kristen’s house, then,” It’s been decided, and Bill frowns. 

 

“That’s not what I said!” His protests are louder than they need to be, and he slumps back against the car seat.

 

“But it’s what needs to happen. You’re— You’re drunk, and you’re flirting with me, and Kristen is basically your mom at this point,” Seth glances over at Bill, when they’ve come to another red light. “So you need to go there, and not my house.”  

 

“Come  _ on _ , Seth!” Bill protests more, because this can’t be  _ fair _ . Seth asked him where he wanted to go, and then did the exact opposite. “Why don’you ask Kristen what she wants? Should be her choice.”

 

“I’m sure Kristen would prefer you at her house and safe, instead of trying to make out with me. Where did that even come from, Bill?” Seth pulls into Kristen’s driveway, and Bill tightens his grip around himself, because  _ no _ , he doesn’t  _ want _ to leave.

 

“It came fro’my head!” Bill struggles against his seatbelt, and Seth switches the car off, getting out and rounding to Bill’s side, where Bill is pouting as far down as he possibly can. “This isn’t fair, Seth!” He’s sure Kristen can hear his shouts from inside, he’s trying to be as loud as possible. Seth reaches over him and unbuckles his belt, wrapping Bill’s arm over his shoulder.

 

“C’mon, Bill, you’ve gotta get out,” Seth sighs, lugging Bill out of the car enough to put his arm around Bill’s waist. “You’re gonna go to bed, at Kristen’s house, here. And I’ll see you tomorrow at work. Okay?”

 

“Mmh,” Bill’s eyes are half lidded. “Fine, fine.” He tries to stand on his own but trips, falling against Seth, who is obviously trying his best to keep Bill stable as he tugs him towards the door. 

 

“Okay. I probably should have warned Kristen, or something, but,” Seth makes a grunting noise that makes Bill grin. Seth, of course, doesn’t take it into account as he rings Kristen’s doorbell.

 

Kristen’s hair is wild around her face when she answers, and she rubs her eyes a little. “I was  _ just _ about to go to bed, you  _ dick _ .” 

 

“Right,” Seth pushes Bill forwards, and he lands against Kristen’s chest. “Have fun with this. He’s flirting with me.” 

 

Bill balances himself, turning to face Seth. He’s swaying, so he grabs the frame of the door. “You’re leavin’?” His voice has pitched up and his eyebrows are knit together.

 

“Yeah, Bill. And you need to go to bed.” Seth seems tired, but Bill still doesn’t understand. Because he’s fucking drunk, what else would be expected of him?

 

“Fine,” He grumbles out, reaching forward to grab one of Seth’s hands in both of his and press a soft, wet kiss on the back of it. “Mm, g’night…” 

 

Bill can hear Kristen’s stifled laughter as he shuffles his way into her house, making himself at home as he always does. Kristen stays at the door, talking a little bit with Seth before Bill can hear her say “Get some rest, Meyers. You need it.”

 

The door shuts and Kristen’s footsteps near Bill, who is completely sprawled across her couch. “Seth Meyers ‘s a good guy, hm?” He laughs out, a stupid grin occupying his face, his eyes darting across the ceiling.

 

“Yeah,” Kristen sits on the end of the couch, the only part Bill isn’t touching. His legs fall off the side, because he’s too tall to just  _ lay there. _ “What prompted you to get this  _ shitfaced _ , Bill?”

 

Bill laughs, his chest shaking as he does. “John paid,” He drawls, laughing even more. 

 

“Right. John paid, so you got wasted. Bill, you’ve gotta go to—”

 

“Shhh…” Bill mumbles. “Shhh… Stop talking, Kristen Wiig.” Kristen looks exasperated, and she gives Bill a look that reads ‘Don’t tell me what to do.’

 

“You have to go to bed. Now,” Kristen stands up, trying to maneuver Bill so she can wrap her arms underneath his. His arms flail and end up above his head, so she shifts until they fall on her shoulders and she can pull him up off the couch. “Bill, you’re like, a foot taller than me. You’re gonna have to cooperate with me a little here.”

 

“But I don’ wanna,” Bill whines, sounding more like a child than ever. Kristen groans. 

 

“You’ve gotta. So help me, Hader, I will drag you to the bedroom,” Kristen grunts as she tries to tug Bill off the couch. Bill caves, falling face-first on the ground, and Kristen lets go of his arms. “That’s what you get.” 

 

“I di’n’t deserve that,” Bill grumbles, sitting himself up and holding his arms out for Kristen to help him up. She grabs his hands and he pulls himself up, leaning against her with most of his weight, which is probably more than he needs to. She squeezes her eyes shut and wraps an arm around him, tugging him to the guest bedroom as best as she can. He stumbles alongside her, his feet falling over each other in the wrong direction until they fall at the foot of the bed. Kristen pushes him forwards, not caring for his physical health at this point, and he tumbles into the bed. He’s too far down, and his legs hang off, but he figures that she knows this is the best it’s gonna get. She gives him one last glance and shuts off the light. The last thing he hears before he passes out his her footsteps down the hallway.

 

+

 

“Hey, Billy!” Bill hears Fred’s footsteps quicken behind him as he tries to catch up. “Are you trying to get away from me?”

 

“No,” Bill lifts his eyebrows, not looking at Fred. “I’m just trying to get where I need to go.”

 

“Right, of course,” Fred nods, giving Bill finger guns. He’s always been one to talk with his hands. Bill keeps his head down with a quiet laugh.

 

“Of course, of course,” and he’s slipping into some sort of character, which is something that happens to him all the time. “Because it’s not like— No, I  _ totally _ don’t want away from you, Armisen.”

 

“Yeah, right,” Fred throws his arms into the air, and he’s slipped into a character as well. “I’m onto you..”

 

“You’ll neva’ catch me!” Bill has put on some sort of exaggerated New York accent, mixed with a bit of his Jason Sudeikis impression. Fred catches onto that, doing the best Will Forte he can muster.

 

“Oh, but I can try my hardest!” Unfortunately for Fred, Bill’s legs are freakishly long, and he takes strides that Fred could never match. The corners of Bill’s mouth twitch up more.

 

“Your hardest is nothin’,” He jabbers, walking even faster. Fred is moving as fast as his legs can carry him, and Bill is nowhere close to that, but ultimately, he gets to the end of the hallway first and pushes the door open. “My name is, ah, Jason Sudeikis. And I’m wan’ed for murder.”

 

Jason stands up quickly, his eyebrows knit together. “Bill, what the fuck?”

 

Bill gives him a tilt of the head. Pretends like he’s chewing gum. “Ya’ heard me.” He turns, shuts the door, and locks it. Seth is covering his mouth to stop himself from laughing. Jorma and Akiva are gaping at him. “Can’t let those, ah,  _ coppers _ in.”

 

“I don’t talk like that!” Jason objects, but it’s quite obvious that he’s trying to keep himself from talking like that. The door shakes.

 

“Bill, you fuck, let me in!” Fred’s voice comes faintly from the other side, then joined by another. 

 

“Bill, I’ll suck ya’ dick if you let us in,” and Bill rolls his eyes. 

 

“I don’t want you to suck my dick, Jenny,” He flicks the door unlocked, and the impressions have dissipated. It takes Jason a minute to figure that out, and when he does, he sits back down awkwardly and resumes chewing his gum. Fred pushes his way into the room, followed by Jenny Slate, who looks like she’s had a rough night, to say the least. Bill is sure he looks the same. His head is still pounding, and Kristen briefed him on everything that happened when she sent him home in the morning, but he’s desperate to pretend like he doesn’t remember. All the thinking must be showing on his face, he realizes, because he catches Kristen’s eye and she quirks an eyebrow up at him. He feels the blood rush to his face. 

 

Kristen looks away, breaking their eye contact, and wraps her jacket around herself. Bill then makes eye contact with Seth, and he realizes he’s making eye contact with all the wrong people, so he looks at Jason, who narrows his eyes as he smacks his gum. That’s when Bill looks to the ground, because he realizes that most everyone in there doesn’t want to look at him right now.

 

“You feeling alright?” Seth speaks up, and he sounds concerned. Bill looks up again.

 

“Yeah, still a little hungover, though,” He runs a hand through his hair messily, and he’s sure that people could actually _ put things _ in the bags under his eyes.

 

“Sucks,” and Seth is standing, Seth is coming closer to him. Bill catches Kristen wink out of the corner of his eye, and he blushes. “I’m glad I didn’t drink.”

 

Bill nods, unable to come up with anything else to say, and sits down. Seth watches him and then pulls out the chair next to him. There’s quiet chatter around the room, enough so that Bill can lean over to Seth and whisper. “I’m, uh, I’m sorry about anything I did last night,” He bites on his lip. “I don’t remember most of it.”

 

Seth goes red, visibly, and Bill wonders exactly how Seth felt about most of the things he said. He’s not lying when he says he doesn’t remember, it’s just that he lies when he says he doesn’t know what happened. 

 

“It’s fine,” Seth whispers back. “Not much happened.” But Bill  _ knows _ he’s lying, not only because he knows the truth, but because Seth’s got that look, the flustered one where his eyebrows go closer together, and he looks like a kicked puppy, but guilty at the same time. Bill can’t help but be angry at himself for knowing  _ exactly _ what Seth’s face looks like when he’s lying. They break eye contact, and Seth stares at the edge of the table. Jenny takes a seat next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. A pout is etched along her lips, showing in her eyes and along the creases in her forehead. A sense of jealousy comes over Bill, for just a split second, before he can shake it off. Something of it must be etched in his face, because Fred nudges his other side.

 

“You alright, Bill?” He drums his hands on the table. “You look kinda off.”

 

“Is that a nice way of telling me I’m ugly?” Bill cracks, a weak attempt to cover up, but Fred takes it.

 

“Yeah,” He throws his hands into the air. “Duh. You’re disgusting, what, with that beautiful face of yours? I’d rather kill myself than look at you.”

 

“Augh, shut up,” Bill slips into a Boston accent, and Fred stifles a laugh. “That’s hurtful, Fred, how could ya’ ever say that?” 

 

“Mm, it’s just who I am,” Fred has taken some sort of Southern accent, maybe Arkansas, because he’s pulling back as he talks. There’s a rapping on the door frame, a room over, and someone calls out.

 

“Lorne is seeing people now, he wants as many pitches as possible.”

 

A few of the writers stand up, wringing their hands. Jost looks excited, like he’s got a good pitch. Seth leans back in his chair. “I’m gonna wait until the line clears out. I’ve got some ideas.”

 

“I wanna do another MacGruber, before I go,” Will mumbles under his breath. Jenny nods. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. MacGruber could be funny. You should pitch it,” She digs into her bag, pulling out a stick of gum and folding it into her mouth. “We’ve got guest cast members, and the host is coming soon. Do you know who it is?”

 

“I know,” Seth snorts, kicking his legs up onto the table. “You guys haven’t heard yet?”

 

Bill grimaces. “Somehow, no. I usually know. I know that Amy, and Maya, and some others are coming back for this one. Only because Amy texted me, all caps, about how sorry she is that she’s gonna be late.”

 

Seth lights up at the mention, and Bill feels like he’s been punched in the gut. “I almost forgot Amy was gonna be here” There’s a pause. “I miss her.”

 

Jenny’s eyebrows knit together, and she smacks her gum. “Bill, honey, can we talk for a little?”

 

Bill feels his face heat up and he stammers out “M—maybe later? Yeah, uh, later. People are gonna be here soon, anyways.” 

 

“Right,” Jenny tilts her head, and she looks amused. Seth doesn’t seem to notice, he’s staring at the table in front of him. Will Forte is bored with them, and he’s tired, so he stands up and finds one of the writers to propose that he gets to do MacGruber one last time. Bill figures he shouldn’t be so stressed about getting to do it before he goes, and even if he doesn’t do it this time, he’s still got one more week. 

 

There’s a knock at the door, and it jolts Bill out of all of his Will Forte wonders. 

 

“Whoops, I locked it,” Fred mumbles under his breath, standing out of his chair and fumbling with the lock.

 

“Fred Armisen, I will decapitate you,” Maya pushes her way into the room, shoving Fred lightly and then wrapping him into a tight hug. 

 

“Mixed signals,” Fred breaths out, patting Maya’s back. Bill stifles his laughter, up until he sees Seth looking past Maya and catching sight of a bouncing lock of blonde hair. Then, it stops itself.

 

Bill is sure he doesn’t have anything against Amy Poehler. She’s wonderful. And everyone loves her. And, she’s married. Bill doesn’t know why he’s even the slightest bit jealous. 

 

Seth stands up, a grin on his face, and he goes to lean against a chair that’s stood by the door, next to where Amy. She looks out of breath, and grins when she sees Seth.

 

“It’s been a while, Meyers,” She breathes out, her cheeks tinted red. She’s not blushing, though, that much is obvious. “I ran from the car. I wanted to be here as soon as possible.” 

 

Seth shrugs and says something Bill can’t quite make out, and then he bends down to press a quick kiss to Amy’s lips. “Missed you.”

 

And Bill is red, he’s burning, and he feels his stomach doing flips. Amy is  _ married. _ But for some reason, he’s not so concerned about her. Jenny’s eyes are staring at the back of his head, and when Seth glances at him, eyebrows knit, he only then realizes that he’s been staring.

 

“Bill?” Seth lifts an eyebrow. “You alright?” Genuine concern shows in his voice, and Bill almost feels bad for lying.

 

“Hm? Yeah,” He shrugs. “Fine.”

 

“Hey, Bill!” Amy is quite the character, seeming as fictional as people can get, and she’s impossibly pretty. She bounces, and emits a sort of glow everywhere she goes. If she wasn’t married, he’d almost be scared that her and Seth would become a thing. He's not jealous, nowhere close. The looks he's getting from Jenny and Kristen seem testing. 

 

“Ah, h _ ey _ , Amy!” Bill grins, and he's almost scared that it's obviously forced. 

 

Maybe he can blame this whole fiasco on the hangover. All of his thoughts about it are broken, and he’s  _ saved _ , when Kristen stands up from her seat behind him (thank  _ god _ , her staring at the back of his head was starting to make him uncomfortable) and rounds the table.

 

“Amy,” She starts, taking both of Amy’s hands in her own. “We have to do more Dooneese. We have to.”

 

“Yeah!” Amy is over-enthusiastic, as always. “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” 

 

Bill resolves that he’ll have to thank Kristen for that later on.

 

+

 

Next Sunday, Bill considers getting shitfaced again. Then, he remembers what Kristen told him. And how Seth hasn’t brought any of it up quite yet. He wonders how long the older is planning on sitting on this story, and supposes he should probably tell him that he knows. 

 

That would be idiotic of him, though. Why bring it up when you can pretend it never happened? 

 

Seth spent most of his time with Amy during the time she was there. Often times, Bill sat next to Jenny while she tried to figure out what he was thinking. He has to admit he’s glad everyone’s left.

 

When someone knocks on his front door, he nearly falls off of the couch.

 

He doesn’t answer it immediately, out of shock, because he never invited anyone over, but when he waits too long, another short knock rings out, followed by his front door swinging open.

 

“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do,” Jenny shuts the door behind her, and Bill is sure he’s never told her where he lives. He sits up a little straighter, his eyebrows knit together. 

 

“Excuse me?” He gestures for her to clarify, because honestly, what the fuck, Jenny? 

 

She shrugs and sits down, offering him a stick of gum. He shakes his head, still completely baffled, and she shrugs again and takes the gum for herself. After a moment of dead silence and them making awkward eye contact, Jenny finally says something.

“What the fuck is goin’ on between you and Seth?” She quirks an eyebrow.

 

“Seth Meyers?” Is the first thing Bill says, and he wants to slap himself in the face because  _ yes, _ Seth Meyers, what is he, an idiot? What other Seth do they know? Jenny is most obviously thinking the same thing, because she doesn’t bother to clarify, just looks at him for more information. “Nothing is ‘going on’ between me and Seth, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” And he nearly winces at his own tone of voice, because he sounds so monotone, and it’s obvious he’s lying. Jenny scoffs.

 

“Like fuck there’s not. You were practically giving Amy a death stare every time she talked to Seth, and Kristen keeps lookin’ at you funny every time  _ you _ talk to him.”

 

“I—” Bill starts, and realizes too late that he doesn’t have a way to defend himself. For fuck’s sake, even  _ he _ doesn’t know why he’s acting like this. Jenny lifts an eyebrow.   
  
“You?”

 

“I don’t know, okay?” He finally caves. “I flirted with him while I was blackout drunk, don’t remember any of it. Kristen filled me in. Seth doesn’t know I know what happened.”

 

“Ah, well, Kristen is probably just teasin’ you—”

 

“Definitely. Though you— You’re not gonna?”

 

“No, no,” Jenny shakes her head quickly. “No teasin’. I’m here to help you sort out your feelings.” 

 

“I— I’m not  _ in love with him,” _ Bill protests, his cheeks burning. Jenny tsks at him. 

 

“You so are. Just gotta come to terms with it.” 

 

And Bill is at a loss for words, is she  _ insane? _ Sure, Bill isn’t exactly closeted about his sexuality, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with Seth just because he happened to drunkenly flirt with him. “I am not!” He protests. “Besides, is Seth even gay?” Not that it would matter. It’s not like Bill considers himself  _ real enough _ , anyways. Seth knows that he’s not who he says he is, so if Seth were straight, it wouldn’t even matter. A grin spreads across Jenny’s lips.

 

“So you admit, you might be in love with him?” She prods. He sighs and shakes his head.

 

“No, Jenny. Not at all.”

 

+

 

Kara and Katie insist that Bill come visit home between seasons. He’s hesitant to do so, because his first thought is that his parents will be there, but they insist. And, Katie clarifies that they’ve taken a trip to Florida for a week, starting on June third. 

 

Bill agrees, if he can bring a friend. Kara says she looks forwards to it.

 

Kristen is busy for the whole month, but she says he should bring Seth. Bill says he will, but he’s not sure, because Kara and Kristen tend to go to bars when they hang out, and they drink and catch up. Bill is terrified that he’ll do what he did before.

 

He caves and texts Seth the next day.

 

To:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __My sisters want me to visit them in Tulsa and bring a friend__


  * _You in?_



 

 

1 new message: **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __Your sisters want me to go to Oklahoma?__



 

 

To:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __I was originally gonna bring Kristen, but then there would be too many girls__


  * _And she’s busy_


  * _Please?_



 

 

3 new messages:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __I’m your second choice__


  * _Gee thanks_


  * _When are you going?_



 

 

To:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __Leaving on June 2nd__


  * _My parents are out of town so I’m visiting Katie and Kara before they come back_



 

 

1 new message:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __You driving or flying?__



 

 

To:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __Driving__


  * _Stopping in Indiana after 11hr drive and staying the night there_


  * _Then leaving for Tulsa that morning_



 

 

2 new messages:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __Sure I’ll come w/__


  * _See you then Hader_



 

 

To:  **Seth Meyers**

 

  * __Looking forward to it Meyers__



 

 

Only then, Bill realizes that Katie and Kara are going to assume Seth is his boyfriend. God, he’s really dug himself into a hole with this one. 

 

He tells Kristen that Seth is coming with him, and she gives him a weird look. A look that reads ‘I didn’t think you would actually do that, what the fuck?’ 

 

Bill really prides himself on his ability to read Kristen’s expressions like that, but he also suspects that she might just be  _ really good _ at expressing her feelings in a glance. 

 

“Good for you, Hader,” She finally says. “Let me know when you two make it official.”

 

Bill knows it’s a joke, obviously, because Kristen  _ does that. _ She doesn’t mean it, and that’s confirmed when she finishes the sentence with a laugh. Kristen would never suspect, even if he and Seth  _ actually _ got together.

 

(Which isn’t going to happen, Bill is sure of it.)

 

“Ah, shut up,” He laughs, slapping her upper arm lightly. She shrugs.

 

“Hey, just doing my job as the older-sister-friend,” Kristen tucks her knees to her chest. “Do you have any rom-coms? We can watch them, and talk about boys.”

 

Bill’s cheeks heat up slightly, and he nods. “Yeah, I’ve got…” He trails off, trying to remember what movies he owns. “Nick and Norah… Leap Year… I’ve got a copy of Adventureland?”

 

“Just like you, to own one of our movies,” Kristen shoves him lightly, and he scrunches his face up.

 

“I’m taking that as a no? I’ll keep going… Forgetting Sarah Marshall… Which we’re both also in, okay, no… Knocked Up…” He pauses to think again. “High School Musical?”

 

“Do you consider High School Musical a romantic comedy?” Kristen lifts an eyebrow. “Keep going.”

 

“Yours, Mine, and Ours?” 

 

“Are you  _ kidding?” _

 

“50 First Dates?”

 

“No, Bill,” Kristen sighs exaggeratedly. “Keep going.”

 

“I don’t think I have any more,” He admits, and Kristen stares at him blankly before breaking their eye contact and wrapping her arms tighter around herself.

 

“Nick and Norah, then. And you didn’t say anything when I said talk about boys. You like boys?”

 

“You—” Bill stares at her in disbelief. “You didn’t know that? I’ve never exactly tried to keep that from anyone.”

 

“Huh,” Kristen looks dumbstruck. “How come I never knew that?”

 

“It’s not like I talk about it, either, but I figured you knew. Since you were teasing me about flirting with Seth and all,” Bill raises an eyebrow, because honestly, how did she not know?

 

“I was joking! You know that. You were drunk, that doesn’t account for your actual feelings,” Kristen rambles, and then she pauses. “Also, while we’re on the topic— I swing both ways, I guess. Are you strictly gay, or...?”

 

“Bisexual. And it’s no surprise, anyways. You’ve never seemed strictly straight,” Bill laughs and nudges her. She rolls her eyes.

 

“Is there anything else you wanna confess?” Kristen cracks. “While we’re this deep in revealing shit?”

 

“Right, I actually do?” Bill’s mouth is dry, because this is the first time he’s voluntarily told anyone besides those who were necessary, but Kristen is like an older sister to him. He figures she should know.

 

“Wait, actually?” She clarifies, confusion etched across the faint lines in her face, and Bill nods. He’s just as confused as she is, as to why he isn’t nervous about telling her. He’s been nervous telling every other person in his life.

 

“Yeah, actually,” He finally says, starting to voice his exact thoughts. “You’re like a sister to me. I figure you should know. You’d fit right in with my family, as far as names go. My parents like names that start with K. My mom was mad at me for ruining that, my dad hated that I share his name.”

 

“You— Wait, so, your name used to start with a K?” Kristen clarifies again, because she’s dumbstruck. Bill nods.

 

“Yeah. It obviously doesn’t anymore,” He laughs. “My— My name used to be something I hated. My parents still call me by my old name,” He glances away, takes a deep breath. “My parents still call me a girl.”

 

“Oh!” Kristen exclaims, and her eyebrows furrow. “Oh?”

 

Bill lifts his eyebrows and nods. “You’re getting the idea, hm?”

 

Kristen moves her arms from around her knees to rub her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. Uh— Stop me if I’m wrong, but— But you’re trans, right? Or— Or is it something else, did you just— I—” Her cheeks start to go pink, and Bill stifles another laugh.

 

“Spot on, Wiig,” He kicks his legs off the couch and drags them along the floor. “Don’t make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.” 

 

“I’ll try my hardest,” Kristen replaces her arms around her knees. “But you know me.”

 

“Yeah, I do,” Bill snorts. “Drama queen.”

 

+

 

Seth shows up at Bill’s house the night before they leave. His bags are in his car, and he tells Bill that much. 

 

“I figured we should leave early tomorrow?” He reasons, looking like a guilty dog. “I figured I should stay here.”

 

“Oh,” Bill says, the slightest bit dumbfounded. After a moment, he steps aside to let Seth in. Seth keeps his head down, a smile tugging on the corners of his lips.

 

“Thanks,” He laughs out. “I guess I should’ve warned you I was coming, though. Sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Bill says, out of habit. Though it’s not like he doesn’t mean it. “Make yourself at home.” The door shuts behind Seth, and Bill follows him to the couch.

 

“I’ll try my hardest,” Seth leans against the couch, letting out a long breath. “Please tell me your sisters are nice.”

 

“My sisters are  _ too _ nice,” Bill laughs. “It’s my parents you’ve gotta watch out for. But like I said. They’re out of town.” He rests his legs on the coffee table in front of him. “I should warn you, they might like you a little too much.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Seth is probably talking louder than he wants to, but Bill doesn’t mind. “How— What?”

 

“They’ll be all over you,” Bill shrugs. He pauses. “And they’ll also probably think you’re my boyfriend, so I apologize in advance.”

 

“Huh,” Seth shrugs in return. Bill reads that as  _ ‘I wouldn’t have a problem with that,’ _ and then mentally punches himself in the face. Anything that he registers Seth saying at this point is leading towards wishful thinking, and Bill doesn’t even  _ want _ Seth to be his boyfriend. Right? Fuck. He presses his hand to one of his temples and then checks the time on his phone. The screen flashes 9:43 pm, and he forces a yawn. 

 

“Anyways, I’m going to bed. I— Fuck,” He runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t have a guest room. I— You can sleep on my bed, I’ll lay on the couch—”

 

Seth shakes his head quickly. “I’ll take the couch. It’s your house,” He protests. “I want to be as easy as I can be.”

 

“Sleep in my bed,” Bill insists. ‘We can share,’ He almost adds on. His head is pounding. “Or I’ll fight you, Seth Meyers.”

 

Seth raises his hands in a surrender, but he’s smirking. Bill nearly reads it as a sexual thing, and he covers his face, his breathing growing heavy and sharp. It’s a mess, he’s a mess, and he didn’t  _ ask  _ for this, and then there’s hands rubbing circles into his back, his hands are pressed between his face and someone else's chest. It’s warm, and he’s gasping for breath, and holy  _ fuck, _ why does he do this to himself? 

 

He can feel Seth press a kiss to the top of his head, and his shallow breathing quickens even more. 

 

“Stop, stop, stop, stop,” He rambles, but he doesn’t have the energy to rip himself away from the older boy. “Stop, stop.” His ranting weakens, and his breathing pattern goes awry. The hands rubbing his back stop, and Seth’s body heat is taken away. His breathing is still sharp and shallow. He still doesn’t know why he does this to himself. 

 

When he manages to open his eyes, concern is written across Seth’s face. His hands are suspended in midair, like he’s about to do something to help, but he doesn’t quite know what it is yet. 

 

After a moment of dead silence, aside from Bill’s sniffling and desperate breaths, he finally asks: “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Bill manages, his voice weak. “Just peachy.” There’s a halfhearted smile shared between them, and Seth hesitantly replaces his hands on Bill’s back, pulling him close.

 

“Whatever I did, I’m sorry,” He apologizes, and it’s genuine, and Bill feels bad for freaking out. 

 

“It wasn’t your fault,” He mutters, shifting in place. “I—  _ I’m _ sorry.”

 

“Hey, hey, no,” Seth grabs Bill’s hands in his, and Bill really wishes he had the guts and/or energy to tell him to stop, because it’s really not helping his situation. “It’s not your fault at all. I don’t— I don’t know what  _ happened, _ but— But… I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

 

Bill doesn’t tear his hands away like he should.

 

He’s not in love, not at all. 

 

+

 

Bill would say he wakes up a little too early the next morning, but he wakes up to Seth clambering in the kitchen. As soon as he realizes that, it’s completely justified. He rolls over to sit up, and feels the blood drain from his face as he realizes how much of a Seth-sized gap occupies the other side of his bed. 

 

He tries not to give it more thought than it deserves. After all, he’s figured out what that does to him. 

 

It takes him a few minutes until the scent of bacon finds his nose and draws him out of bed. Even then, he’s reluctant, but he can’t deny that he’s starving. He’s sure his hair is a mess when he goes into the kitchen, and that’s only confirmed when Seth laughs at first sight of him. 

 

“What?” His eyebrows knit together, and Seth gestures wildly to his hair. “What?”

 

“It’s a mess!” Seth cackles, and Bill feels his face start to burn. “That’s kind of adorable, honestly.”

 

_ Damn you, Seth Meyers _ , is what Bill doesn’t say.  _ Damn you and your dorky smiles, and your constant worry for me, and  _ everything _. Damn you, Seth Meyers. _

 

He registers a little late that it might be something that someone who’s in love might say. He’s not there yet.

 

“Shut up,” He finally manages, running his hands down his face. “I’m tired. I toss in my sleep. It happens.”

 

“Believe me, I know,” Seth grins, running a hand through his hair and going back to his bacon. “You kicked me, like, twice.”

 

“I did?” Bill raises an eyebrow, trying to keep his cool. “Sorry.” He manages well enough, but inside, he’s a disaster, and  _ fuck, fuck, fuck. _

 

He takes a deep breath and smiles. Seth doesn’t tell a difference. “It’s no problem,” Seth turns off the stove. “Bacon?”

 

“Yeah,” Bill speaks breathily, still trying to keep himself from freaking out. “Yeah, please.”

 

Seth grabs a plate from Bill’s cabinet. “Sorry for making myself so at home,” He bites at his lip, eventually handing Bill a plate of bacon. “I just figured you’d want to wake up to something to eat. Since we’re leaving so early and all.” He takes a seat, his hands folded over the table. “And thanks, for letting me share your bed last night. For letting me stay here in the first place.”

 

“Ah, well,” Bill sniffs a little, trying to keep his breathing steady. “Anything for a friend.” A friend. That’s all him and Seth are. Friends. Seth frowns a little, and Bill has to double take.

 

He reads too much into everything and he knows it. Maybe Seth didn’t really frown, or maybe it doesn’t mean that he’s not satisfied being just friends. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Fuck.

 

He sniffs again and rubs his nose, feeling the skin slowly go red and scratchy. He does that, when he’s frustrated. Rubs his nose until it’s red. Seth drums his fingers on the table.

 

“Hey, Bill?” He finally speaks up, avoiding eye contact. “What— Are you okay? You seem kind of… Off, I guess. And, uh, after last night.” He pauses, running a hand through his hair. “I’m just concerned.”

 

“Oh,” Bill says, quite eloquently at that. “Oh.” And he feels like an idiot, because that’s all he can manage to say. “I, uh…” He coughs. “I’m fine, I guess. Just— It’s not something I want to bother you with.”

 

“No, it’s totally fine,” Seth looks up through his lashes, and Bill thinks he just might be royally fucked. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But if you do, uh, I can listen. I’m sure I’ve improved from last time, anyways.”

 

“Hey, last time wasn’t that bad,” Bill reasons, cracking a smile. He scratches the side of his nose absentmindedly, something to keep his hands busy. “Not the worst reaction I’ve gotten, anyways.”

 

Seth frowns. “It should’ve been, though. You definitely don’t deserve anything worse than that. You didn’t even deserve that. I was an asshole about it.”

 

“Seth,” Bill laughs. “It’s fine. I promise. And I trust you a hell of a lot more now, too.” He pauses. “I told Kristen. She knows now. You, and her, and Mulaney. I don’t think I can really tell anyone else.”

 

“You could, if you wanted to,” Seth reasons. “But you don’t have to, because it’s not relevant anymore. I mean, if you were dating someone, they’d have to know. Because I’m assuming—” He makes a scissor gesture with his hands, and Bill feels his cheeks heat up.

 

“U—uh, yeah,” He stutters out. “I’ve not— Yeah. But it’s fine,” He shrugs. “That’s not even what’s bothering me. I mean, my scars sting a little, but that might just be the fact that I accidentally rammed myself into the corner of a counter the other day and it’s bruised. I’m not the smartest guy around.”

 

“Huh,” Seth nods, his gaze turning back to the table. “But… What’s actually upsetting you? You just— Sorry for prodding. You seem really bothered, and I want to be able to help. If I can. It’s fine if I can’t, I just—“

 

“I know what happened, Seth,” Bill blurts. His head is spinning. “When I was drunk. Kristen told me what happened. I know what happened.”

 

“Oh,” Seth says dumbly.

 

“Yeah,” Bill wets his lips quickly. His mouth tastes bitter and his tongue feels numb. “And I just— I keep looking too far into things, even though— I’m not in love with you, Seth. I don’t— I don’t like you like that. But I keep seeing things that we do, or repeating things we say back to myself, and Jenny thinks we’re in love, and— And I don’t know, okay? That’s why I freaked out last night. You care so much about me, as— As a friend, and I don’t want to fuck that up because of one night where I got too fucking drunk.”

 

“Oh,” Seth says again, ever the wordsmith. “I’m sorry.”

 

Bill laughs bitterly. “Don’t apologize, none of it is your fault. There’s nothing I want you to stop doing, because you’re one of my best friends, and I don’t mind affection— I crave physical contact —but I’m freaking out because I keep acting like I’m in love with you, and I’m  _ not _ .”

 

“You’re not,” Seth repeats. “And I’m not in love with you either. I— I can stop being so affectionate, I’m sorry I act like a housewife all the time.” He forces himself to laugh, but it’s transparent.

 

“ _ No _ , don’t stop,” Bill insists. “I love you, man, just— Just not like that. And it’s killing me, for no good reason.”

 

“I— I get it,” Seth ducks his head. “If I had known that you— That you knew what happened… I probably would’ve brought it up sooner. I get it, you were drunk— Are you even gay?”

 

“Bisexual, actually,” Bill admits, and Seth frowns. After a moment of dead silence, he stands up. “We should get going.”

 

+

 

When they pull up outside Katie and Kara’s house the next day, the door swings open and the two girls come running out of the front door. 

 

“Billy!” Katie nearly shrieks, bouncing until Bill has managed to climb out of the car and then wrapping him in a tight hug. Kara rushes up behind them and tries her hardest to join in. Bill can’t help but laugh as he feels his face heat up.

 

“I still have to breathe, guys,” He coughs out, trying to wriggle out of their grip. Once he’s out, they both step back and grin at him with near identical smiles. After a moment, Kara sticks her head into the car window. 

 

“Is this your boyfriend?” 

 

“I told you,” Bill calls to Seth, rounding the car and gesturing for him to come out. “They’d think we’re dating.” Without thinking, he grabs ahold of Seth’s hand and tugs him out of the car. Seth starts to blush, and only then does Bill realize what he did. He drops Seth’s hand quickly and mumbles out a rushed apology, going red himself. Katie giggles into her hand.

 

“Sorry about my brother,” She apologizes to Seth, and Seth raises an eyebrow, so she continues. “He’s bad at feelings. Are you his boyfriend?”

 

“Oh, no, no, no,” Seth stumbles over his words. “We’re not dating. We don’t— I don’t like him, and he doesn’t like me. Not like that.”

 

Katie looks like she understands, and then sighs. “Oh. You’re in denial.” Bill takes that opportunity to step in. 

 

“Katie? Can you help me unpack? And, uh, Kara? Can you help Seth out?” He grabs ahold of Katie’s arm and drags her inside. 

 

When they’re finally settled in, Seth looks more flustered than he should, and Kara looks far too smug. Bill takes this as ‘Kara harassed my best friend’ but doesn’t do anything about it. Seth can take care of himself.

 

Bill and Seth share a bed. It’s just big enough for the two of them, Bill has a habit of nearly falling off the end, so he sleeps closer to Seth than he should. He wakes up with Seth’s arm around his torso and feels himself go red.

 

Seth is still asleep. His face is pressed against the back of Bill’s neck. Bill takes in a sharp breath and tenses up. Seth shifts in his sleep, and he moves closer to Bill. 

 

Bill doesn’t have the heart to move him, but he feels like he’s suffocating. This whole situation is making him want to die more and more as it goes on. He slips out from under Seth’s arm as quickly as he possibly can, rubbing his nose and leaving the room as quietly as he can. 

 

Katie stops him in the hallway. “Where are you making a getaway to?”

 

“I—“ Bill stares at her incredulously. “I’m getting breakfast? Chill, Katie.” He wrings his hands. She raises an eyebrow.

 

“Why are you leaving bed so early?” She further questions, taking a step forwards so he backs up. “Is it because you’re in love with Seth?”

 

“What?” Bill’s eyebrows knit together. “No correlation. I’m not in love with Seth, I’m just not tired anymore.”

 

There’s an awkward silence, and then Katie backs up. “You left your dick in the bathroom. I’m gonna go make breakfast.”

 

“Is there something wrong with me leaving my dick in the bathroom?” Bill laughs softly. “I couldn’t keep it in the room, Seth is staying in there.”

 

“It’s out, on the sink. You should go get your fuckin’ packer and stuff before Seth wakes up,” She shrugs. “In case he sees, and finds out. I’m sure you don’t want word to spread.”

 

“Oh!” Bill’s eyebrows knit together. “No, no, it’s— Seth already knows, I told him a while ago. He was weird about it at first, but it’s all fine now.” He pauses. “Shit, that sounds like he’s my boyfriend. Katie, I promise you that he’s not my boyfriend. I don’t like Seth like that, but— But everyone thinks I do, and I’m really freakin’ out about it.” He runs a hand through his hair. Katie frowns.

 

“Have you ever thought that you might?” Katie brushes her hair from her eyes. “If you’re freaking out that much about it, you might like him.” 

 

Bill frowns, and he feels his cheeks go red. He takes a shallow breath. “I— I’ve thought about it. I have. Because he’s always so nice to me, and he tries to understand, and he’s never a dick— Not on purpose, of course, and he— He corrects himself when he says something wrong. But— But, uh, I don’t think I like him that way. And dating co-workers is never a good idea. And—“

 

“It sounds like you’re making up excuses,” Katie presses her lips together. “But it’s not my business. I’m just teasing you, don’t expect that to stop. Just… Consider it, I guess. Because I’ve only just met him, but I think it’d be good for you. I think he’d be good for you.”

 

Bill curses under his breath, because Katie just might be right. 

 

+

 

Bill has never been an outdoorsy sort of guy. That’s part of the reason his parents didn’t believe him when he came out— He’s not outdoorsy in the slightest, and his parents expect all boys to have a sort of ‘fragile masculinity’ like their father. It’s not like it wasn’t obvious, Katie and Kara weren’t at all surprised, but their parents insisted that he was lying, because he doesn’t act masculine enough.

 

Seth loves the outdoors. He says that he grew up in a family that loved nature. When he asks Bill if they can go walk trails outside, the answer is yes, no questions asked, even though he doesn’t actually want to go. The sun is already starting to set, and it’s warm outside. He figures it can’t be that bad. 

 

When the bugs come out, he decides he was wrong. Very,  _ very _ wrong. He’s finding himself very jumpy, and when the sun finally sets, he clings to Seth like there’s no tomorrow.

 

“Was this a bad idea?” Seth laughs, prying Bill off of his arm and instead wrapping said arm around him. “Is there anywhere nice near here? We can look at the stars, or something.”

 

“Stars,” Bill repeats, and it’s warm, but for some reason he’s shaking. “Miss me with that gay shit.”

 

“Hey,” Seth frowns, and it’s hard to tell with how dark it is, but Bill swears that he’s blushing. “I’m just trying to suggest something nice to do.”

 

“You know what’s nice?” Bill takes a step away from Seth. “Going back to the house.”

 

“Fair enough,” Seth laughs, and Bill feels his face heat up. “Maybe we’ll walk back. Skip the gay shit.”

 

“Sounds like a deal,” Bill kicks at the dirt on the ground and then bites on his lip. “My hands are cold.”

 

There’s something unspoken in the air, and they stare at each other. Bill nearly regrets saying that. 

 

“Do you want me to, like—“ 

 

“Oh, I didn’t—“

 

“Because I can,” Seth says decidedly. “If you want. And it won’t be weird. Because we’re friends.”

 

Bill sucks in a breath through his teeth and grabs Seth’s hand, stuffing his free hand as far into his pocket as it can go. “Right. This isn’t weird,” He confirms, though he’s reassuring himself more than Seth. “Because we’re friends.”

 

Seth only nods in agreement. The walk back is silent aside from their quiet breathing and the crunching of leaves under their feet.

 

+

 

Bill wakes up flat on his back, with Seth’s head on his chest. His breathing quickens rapidly, and he really hopes he won’t wake up to a near panic attack every morning for the rest of this week. 

 

He doesn’t get up this time, and he focuses on keeping his breathing steady enough so that the rise and fall of his chest won’t wake Seth. In through his nose, out through his mouth.

 

Seth looks happy and contented, and Bill wishes he wasn’t so upset by this. He tries to force himself to calm down, staring at the ceiling instead of at Seth, trying to pretend he can’t feel the weight on his chest. 

 

When Seth wakes up, he wakes up slow. His eyes flutter open and he pushes himself off of Bill, to stretch.

 

When he notices that Bill is far from okay, his face is overcome by a look of concern. “I— Are you alright?” He sits a little straighter, his hair sticking up around his face at odd angles. 

 

“Yeah,” Bill breathes out heavily, taking in a sharp breath afterwards. “F-fine. I’m fine.”

 

“Are you sure?” Seth frowns. “You don’t seem very fine.”

 

Bill shakes his head, running a hand through his hair roughly, and his sits up. His hands fly over his face and his breath quickens again, and he really hopes this doesn’t become a regular thing.

 

It takes everything he has to calm himself down again. Seth helps him into the kitchen and makes him a pot of coffee, looking like a kicked puppy the whole time.

 

“I’m sorry,” Bill finally apologizes, both of his hands wrapped around his now near-cold mug of coffee. “That must have been a terrible thing for you to wake up to.”

 

“It’s fine,” Seth yawns into his palm, bringing his knees up to his chest. “I’m sorry if I caused that. Or— Or, whatever.” He pauses. “Things have been so  _ weird _ between us lately.”

 

“I’ve noticed,” Bill says flatly, his gaze out of focus on the wall behind Seth. “It’s my fault. I— I just keep freaking out, and it’s stupid. Sorry.”

 

They sit in silence for something around ten or fifteen minutes, and it’s only broken when Kara comes into the room, running her fingers through her hair to flatten it. “Did someone die in here?”

 

“Yeah,” Bill keeps his gaze still for another few seconds before turning it to make eye contact with his sister. “I did. It was me.”

 

“Not funny,” Kara rounds the table and takes a seat. Seth keeps his eyes on the table. Bill drums his fingers against the wood, and the steady clicking that his nails make is the only sound other than soft breathing across the whole house. Kara is the one to break the silence again. “Bill, you and I both know that staying quiet is never the best thing for you.”

 

“Whatever, Kara,” Bill says quietly, turning his gaze to the wooden table. “I’m fine. Why don’t you guys think I’m okay?”

 

“Probably because you’ve been freaking out a ton for the past few days?” Seth shifts, finally looking up. Bill makes awkward eye contact with him and then shies away. “We’ve gotta fix that. Not because it’s a trouble or anything, but because that can’t be healthy for you.”

 

“I’m  _ fine,” _ Bill insists, but he’s not really fine. And he knows he’s making this bigger than it needs to be, but finds he can’t really help it anymore. “I promise you guys, I’m okay.”

 

He bumps shoulders with Seth twelve times that day. Their hands brush together five, which is five too many. Bill manages to keep his breathing in check. 

 

He can almost consider the day a success.

 

+

 

“Mom and dad get home in four days,” Katie tells Bill the next morning. “They know you’re here, so I’m scared they’ll come home earlier. I don’t want you to have to deal with that.”

 

Bill grits his teeth. “I’ll leave a day early, maybe? I don’t— I don’t want to talk to them. Especially while Seth is around. They’ll birthname me, and I don’t want him to know what it is.”

 

“That’s your biggest concern?” Katie stifles a laugh. “You’re further gone than I thought. I’ll text them and tell them you’re staying until the ninth, they’ll probably come home on the eighth, and you can leave tomorrow? Or— I dunno. That’s the best plan I can think of.” She pauses. “You’ll have to talk to them sometime, though. They want to come see your show.”

 

“Fuck,” Bill curses under his breath. “They can’t come see the show. They can’t do that.”

 

Katie presses her lips together. “They’ve already contacted the studio and stuff. They said they’re being let in, because they’re your parents, but I don’t know when they’re coming or anything.”

 

“No, no, no,” Bill rambles, running his hands down his face. “They can’t do that. They’ll tell everyone. Only three people know, and they’ll tell everyone.” His breathing quickens and he looks around the room frantically, but he doesn’t know what he’s searching for. “I don’t want anyone else to know, I— I already didn’t want to tell John, but I had to, because he kept saying things— And— And— They won’t look at me the same, they won’t— A-and someone will probably leak it to media, and m-my career will be  _ over.” _ He takes a sharp breath in, and another, and it’s becoming rough again. He assumes that this freaking out will become a regular thing at this rate, and he feels tears prickling behind his eyes. Katie frowns and moves a little closer, wrapping her arm around him and squeezing his shoulder. 

 

“Billy, you’ll be fine. I’m sure if you ask people not to say anything, they won’t,” She sighs quietly. “Right? They’re your friends, aren’t they?”

 

“Yeah, but what if that changes? I— I need some air,” Bill tears away from her grip and stands up quickly, his vision going spotty for a moment as he stumbles out the door and nearly passes out on the concrete steps. He steadies himself against the rail, taking uneven breaths and clinging to the metal for dear life. Katie follows him down the steps, and he assumes she's concerned, but he can't really tell anymore. He doesn't realize he's crying until he reaches to cover his face and finds his hands wet, until the tears reach his mouth and when he licks his lips they taste salty.

 

"Bill, I'm sure you'll be fine," Katie mumbles from where she's sat next to him. He takes sharp, shallow breaths and shakes his head.   
  
The only words he manages to come up with are "Seth— Where’s Seth?" and that really doesn't help his situation. It only makes it harder for him to breathe. His vision is going blurry and fuck, fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ what the  _ fuck _ is he supposed to do now?

 

"Do you want me to go get him?" His sister's voice sounds distant, so he's not sure if he's imagining it or not. He nods anyways, and soon enough, Seth is sitting next to him, Seth’s hands are rubbing circles into his back, and he’s never wanted to die more.

 

“You’ll be fine,” Seth’s words echo Katie’s, but somehow Bill believes them more this time. “I swear, you’ll be okay. You thought John would take it badly, didn’t you? And he took it fine. And Kristen— Does Kristen know? She won’t be upset. Nobody will be upset. You’ll be  _ fine.” _

 

And Bill didn’t think this kind of reassurance would help, but his breathing is slowing down, and he’s shaking less, and honestly  _ fuck Seth Meyers for ruining his life _ but he also figures Seth might be his saviour.

 

“Thank you,” He breathes out heavily, when he finally can. Seth only ducks his head and goes back inside.

 

Bill thinks he’d rather be home right now, because this trip is nowhere near what it was supposed to be.

 

+

 

Bill is probably  _ way _ more excited than he should be to go back to New York. He’s  _ not _ excited for the drive back, though, not in the slightest. Him and Seth spend two days mostly in tense, awkward. Silence. They share a shitty one-bed hotel room in the middle of nowhere for a night, and then share awkward goodbyes when they get back to New York because they both figure they won’t see each other again until they have to.

 

Bill recounts his trip to Kristen a week later over pizza and a shitty movie that they neither of them are paying much attention to anymore. He doesn’t spare a single detail. When he’s done telling her everything, she speaks up through a mouthful of pizza.

 

“So are y’in luh’ wit’ him or—” She places her hand over her throat, finishing swallowing her pizza before she tries to talk again. “Are you in love with him, or what?”

 

There’s an awkward silence before Bill finally speaks up. “No?” He shifts awkwardly. “At least I don’t… I don’t think I am.”

 

“Okay,” Kristen reaches over him for another slice of pizza. “I think you might be, but I won’t push.” She shrugs a little as she stuffs the pizza in her mouth, and Bill bounces his leg.

 

“I mean, it might be nice,” He’s thinking out loud now, and Kristen is only half listening, so he figures it’s a good time to sort his shit out. “Seth is nice, a-and he cares about me. And I care about him, like… I love him, but I’m not— I’m not  _ in love _ with him. I think? I think I’m not.”

 

“Bill, your face is getting red,” Kristen comments quietly, and Bill brings his hands to his cheeks. Only then does he realize how worked up he’s been getting over this.

 

“Oh,” He looks away. “I’m probably thinking too much into it. It’s not a big deal. I’m making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. I—”

 

“Seems like you’re trying to convince yourself more than you are me,” Kristen sticks her finger in her mouth to get the garlic and oil off of it, rolling her eyes. Bill stares at the ground.

 

“Maybe I am,” He finally says. “Maybe I  _ do _ like Seth. But— But even if I do. Which… I don’t know. I’ll get over it, though. I will.”

 

“Mm’kay,” Kristen hums, and Bill is just about ready to punch her in the nose, because she’s really not being helpful. At all. He tells her that, and she only laughs. After another moment of silence between them, what’s probably supposed to be a dramatic scene in the movie playing in the background, she speaks up again. “Are you just gonna ignore him until September?” 

 

“Probably,” Bill admits, and he hates that it’s the truth, but he doesn’t think he can bare to face Seth again until he really needs to. Kristen gives him some sort of sympathetic look, or at least he guesses that’s what it’s meant to be, and he rolls his eyes at her, tightening his grip around his legs where they’re tucked to his chest. “I’m just scared. I’ll — I’ll sort it out, probably.”

 

“Probably?” Kristen lifts an eyebrow. “You will. And if you don’t, I’ll beat you up.” She offers him a shit-eating grin, and he laughs.

 

“You can try, Kris, but you’re like… A pool noodle,” He waves her off, somehow already feeling better than before. She scrunches up her nose.

 

“I’m a strong-ass pool noodle, Bill. Don’t you know who I am?”

 

“I know who you  _ think _ you are,” Bill laughs, and then he sighs. “But yeah. I’ll try ‘nd sort it out. Promise.”

 

+

 

When Bill sees Seth again, his first instinct is to hide. 

 

So that’s exactly what he does. He feels his face start to burn red and he ducks behind the nearest garbage can. In hindsight, not his best idea. Only seconds later, a kid with brown hair that Bill doesn’t recognize walks past and knocks the whole thing over. So not only has Bill been caught hiding from Seth and running away from his problems, but he’s been caught with a banana peel on his head and newspapers and paper plates covering him. Just his luck.

 

“Hi,” He finally says, avoiding making eye contact with Seth. Seth lifts an eyebrow.

 

“Were you trying to hide from me?”

 

“No?” Bill tries, and then winces at how obvious of a lie it was. This is pretty high up on the ‘List Of Times Bill Has Wanted To Die.’ 

 

Seth extends a hand to help him up. “Your disguise is working,” He jokes. “You look exactly like the inside of a garbage can!”

 

Bill glares at Seth, taking his hand and pulling himself up. He tries to brush all the garbage off of himself, picking the banana peel from his hair. “Who was the guy that knocked over the trashcan?” He brushes off his legs. “I’ve never seen him around before. Is he one of the new kids?”

 

“Yeah,” Seth drops his hand to his side awkwardly. “Taran, I think.”

 

Bill nods. “I’m totally gonna chew him out for knocking that over later,” He laughs hesitantly. “Give him a warm welcome.”

 

Seth frowns, looking genuinely concerned. “You’ll scare the poor kid to death, Bill.” After a beat, he glances up again. “I, uh, I missed you. Thought you hated me.”

 

On instinct, Bill looks him dead in the eyes and says “I do.” He immediately feels guilty, so he laughs to try and make it better. Seth looks like a kicked puppy. “I’m sorry, no I don’t. I’m just… I’m awkward, and anxious, and bad at feelings, and I don’t really want to admit that I missed you too.”

 

“Huh,” Is all Seth manages to come up with. That’s when Bill realizes he really,  _ really _ did miss Seth.

 

“Huh,” He echoes. “That’s enough emotions for today.”

 

When they finally get to where they need to go, in tense silence, they’re greeted by John giving a standing ovation. Bill greets him by saying “John Mulaney, I want nothing more than to punch you in the nose right now.”

 

That’s enough to get him to shut up for a while, he figures. Seth’s laughter is threatening to spill over next to him as they sit down, and Bill almost feels like everything is back to normal. The boy that knocked over the trashcan is sitting next to two other boys and a girl, all of them looking nervous. Bill knows for a fact that they’re featured players at this point, because this is always how it goes. Except with Jenny, who always has the confidence of a drunk girl at a high school party.

 

Bill really isn’t in the mood for meeting new people right now. It kind of ruins his ‘Just like things used to be’ vibe. His leg bounces out of habit and he glances around as people that he recognizes fill in the seats. Andy sits down on his other side and slings an arm over his shoulder. 

 

“Hey, Billy!” He laughs out, pulling Bill against his side. “It’s been a while! How’ve you been? Still gay?”

 

“I’m not gay,” Bill says, on instinct. Then he shrugs. “Kind of gay. Whatever. What about you, huh?  _ You _ still gay?”

 

Andy shoots a look across the room, at Jorma, but quickly turns his gaze back to Bill. “I’m straight,” He claims, and Bill can’t help but laugh at that. 

 

“You say, as you sneak glances at Jorm,” Bill adds on, snickering under his breath. Andy goes a faint red.

 

“At least I’m not, like, in love with Seth,” He retorts, going redder by the second. Bill feels his stomach drop.

 

“I’m not in love with Seth,” He insists, but the way he says it is less than convincing. He looks to Seth, breathing out a sigh of relief when he realizes that Seth hasn’t been paying attention at all. He echoes himself to get his point across. “I’m not.”

 

“Okay,” Andy says, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t believe him. “You know, I wasn’t serious about it, but the way you defended yourself…” He grins. “I don’t believe you.”

 

“What?” Bill yelps, and it’s way too loud, but he’s about ready to punch Andy in the face. “Whatever. I'm gonna go talk to the newbies.” He stands up, trying as hard as he can to calm himself down. He feels Andy’s gaze on him as he makes his way to the other end of the table, but he tries his hardest to ignore it. Seth is cracking jokes and writing with John, and Bill feels his face heat up more by the second.

 

“Oh, fuck,” Is the first thing that tumbles out of the brown-haired boy’s lips. Bill raises an eyebrow at him, trying to keep his face from going even redder. “I'm sorry.”

 

“You should be,” Bill cuts his eyes at the boy, and then turns to the other three. “Hi,” He offers a charming smile. “Bill Hader.”

 

“I know,” The girl gushes, going red. “Sorry, uh, I'm— I’m Vanessa. Big fan.”

 

“I can tell,” Bill shifts in his seat. “Nice to meet you.” Vanessa looks shocked, so he continues. “I'm super excited to work with you guys, I guess. Except that one.” He points a finger at the kid who knocked over the garbage can, and the kid shrinks back.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't—” He starts to ramble. “I didn't mean to knock the trash into you, I just— I was in a hurry, because I was nervous, a-and—”

 

“Calm down, kid.” And Bill can't help but laugh, because does this kid really find him intimidating? “What’s your name?”

 

“Taran,” He rushes out, his face burning red. Bill shifts in his seat again.

 

“Listen, Taran,” He leans against the side of the table. “I don’t know if you know this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

 

“I—” Taran’s eyebrows furrow together. “Isn’t that from Anchorman? Did you just quote Anchorman at me?”

 

“Maybe a little,” Bill shrugs. “Anyways, yeah. I’m not mad at you. Just… Disappointed.”

 

“That’s worse!” Taran groans, but he’s finally catching on to the fact that Bill isn’t serious ninety-nine percent of the time. “God, you’re the worst.”

 

“Excuse me?” Bill raises an eyebrow, but he’s laughing. “Don’t talk to your father that way. I’ll ground you.”

 

“Oh, fuck,” Taran blurts, and his cheeks are red, but he’s breaking out into little fits of giggles. Bill laughs with his whole body, and at the moment he’s laughing too hard to run with the joke. 

 

Once he calms down, he offers them another smile. He’s still having a little trouble breathing, but he doesn’t necessarily notice that. “Anyways, uh, I’ve got some catching up to do with some other people,” He drawls. “I’ll— I’ll catch you guys later.”

 

+

 

Bill feels himself go tense the minute Amy walks into the building. Kristen sees it happen, and he knows this, because she places a hand on his thigh and whispers in her most reassuring voice, “Calm the fuck down.”

 

“Thanks, Kris,” He mumbles. After a moment of dead silence between the two of them, he blurts. “I’m totally in love with him, aren’t I?” 

 

“Glad to see you’re coming to terms with it,” Is all she says. Bill curses under his breath.

 

He doesn’t give Kristen enough credit, though, for how smart she is. The next thing she says leaves Bill… Well, he’s not sure how he feels. “Why don’t you try and make Seth jealous? Like, while Amy is here? As payback. Because I’m  _ sure _ he likes you.”

 

“And how do you think I could do that?”

 

Bill raises an eyebrow, still tense, and honestly? Fuck Amy Poehler, because even her being here is making his blood boil, and he doesn’t have anything against her, no, she’s practically a goddess. Maybe that’s why he’s so upset by her. He’s sure Seth has fallen for her, and that makes him practically green with jealous rage.  _ He _ wants Seth’s attention.

 

“Like this,” Kristen coughs loudly, and Seth looks in their direction. The second he does, Kristen presses her lips to Bill’s, and his eyes fly wide open. “Just go with it.” She mumbles against his lips, so he does, but it honestly feels like he’s kissing his sister. 

 

When the kiss breaks, Seth looks like a kicked puppy for a full two seconds before he recovers with a wolf-whistle and a shout of “That was hot!”

 

Kristen looks flustered, but in more of a disgusted way. She offers Bill a smile, and through gritted teeth she mumbles “No offense, but I totally hated every second of that.”

 

“Your lips taste like shitty coffee,” Bill remarks back. “I hated it just as much as you did.”

 

“Glad to hear we’re in agreement,” Kristen laughs and brushes her hair out of her eyes. “Seth was totally jealous, just saying.”

 

“You think?” When Seth turns away, Bill rubs Kristen’s saliva off his mouth. “That felt like I was making out with my sister.” He comments. “Gross.”

 

“Yeah, I totally agree,” Kristen shifts in her seat and glances around. “Seth is avoiding looking at you. I say you make a move on him.”

 

“Are you  _ insane?” _ Bill yelps loudly, then realizing how loud he is and lowering his voice. “He just saw us make out. Do you think he’ll be super open to me making a move on him? Plus, my anxiety is, y’know, a thing. I— I can’t  _ do _ that.”

 

“Your call, Hader,” Kristen shrugs. “But just know, he’s totally into you.”

 

“Whatever,” Bill mumbles, because no, she’s not right. That can’t be right. “If you say so.”

 

“I do say so,” Kristen laughs out. “Do you want me to ask him?”

 

“No!” Bill objects, far too loudly, and suddenly all eyes are on him. His cheeks burn red, and then he announces, as payback. “Kristen asked me out.” He turns to Kristen with a smirk, and she’s gone red at this point. “Kris, I love you, but not like that.” 

 

Fred stifles a laugh from a few chairs away. “Ooh,  _ Kristen,” _ He muses as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “You just got  _ rejected.” _

 

“I’m  _ aware, _ ” Kristen snaps, rolling her eyes. She then hisses at Bill through gritted teeth. “Did you really have to say that?”   
  
“What else was I supposed to say?” Bill feels his eyes bulge in his disbelief. “The truth? Fuck no.”

 

Kristen shrugs. “You always  _ could _ say the truth. Like I said, he totally likes you. I’m not just lying to you, because unlike you, I don’t do that.”

 

“When have I lied to you!” Bill objects, because he’s really getting fed up with Kristen right now. All she does is shrug and walk away.   
  
He has to remind himself of the fact that she’s his friend, and also that (sadly) it’s extremely illegal to kill her.

 

+

 

When Amy thanks Seth on live television but  _ not _ Bill, he can’t help but want to scream. Which is stupid, because it’s not like he expected her to thank him, and Seth is one of her best friends, but honestly? He’s getting sick of this.

 

When they all get to the bar, Bill is the first to order drinks. So naturally, he orders three beers and chugs them. Kristen sits next to him and says something that’s probably important, but the music's too loud, and his head is pounding so he just laughs and nods. She gives him a sort of disappointed look, like she can tell he didn’t hear nor care what she said to him, and walks away.

 

When Seth sits down next to Bill, Bill considers standing up. But he’s had two more drinks since then, and the (extremely small) amount of common sense he has left says that it’s a terrible idea and he’ll end up getting hurt. So he sits there, and he lets Seth sit down next to him.

 

“You alright?” Seth raises an eyebrow, nudging Bill’s shoulder lightly. “You’ve been acting kinda weird lately.”

 

“Can’t hear you,” Bill’s words wash together. “Too drunk.”

 

Seth laughs, but Bill tilts his head, because did he say something funny? He doesn’t think he did. “Now probably isn't the best time to talk to you, then,” Seth starts to stand up. “I'm gonna go sit by Amy.”

 

“No!” Bill grips Seth’s upper arm tightly, because he can’t leave, that's  _ bad, bad, bad. _ “You can’t! She’s  _ evil!” _

 

“She’s evil?” Seth lifts an eyebrow as he sits down, an amused smile dancing on his lips. Bill nods quickly, and  _ whines _ , because why doesn’t Seth believe him?

 

“Yes!” He insists. “Yes, she’s… She’s  _ evil.  _ Evil and pretty. It’s not right. And— And— I don’t  _ know!”  _ Bill frowns deeply and orders another drink, his fingers bouncing on the countertop. 

 

When the bartender hands him his drink, Seth immediately takes it from his hand.“How about no,” He laughs. “Let’s get you home?” 

 

Bill frowns. “How come? We’re havin’ fun! I don’t wanna go home. There’s no beer there.” 

 

“I’m gonna go get Kristen,” Seth promises as he stands up, placing his hand on Bill’s shoulder lightly. “She’ll get you home safe.”

 

+

 

Things go back to normal for a good few weeks, and Bill starts to think it might be okay, until Paul Rudd gets there. Admittedly, Paul was Bill’s first  _ real _ celebrity crush, but he’s far over that by now, and even more over it when Paul  _ actually _ gets there. Simply because one of the first things he says to Bill is “I get it. Sexual tension,” Which is bad on its own, but it sends Bill into a panic, because  _ he’s talking about Seth. _

 

“Oh, come on,” is all Bill can manage to say. He then proceeds to mentally slap himself in the fucking face.  _ ‘Oh, come on.’ _ Like that helps. Paul laughs.

 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” He swipes a hand through his hair. “You like him? You love him. You wanna fuck him? You wanna put your dick in his ass. Right? Or is it the other way around. You—”

 

“Shut  _ up, _ Paul,” Bill groans, covering his face. “I don’t like Seth.” He’s lying through his teeth, and he’s sure Paul can tell that, but he doesn’t really  _ care _ at this point.

 

When they’re tossing around ideas for sketches, Paul suggests “I wanna make out with Bill!” 

 

Bill’s first thought is  _ fuck. _ He then realizes that Seth has tensed up, so he says it out loud. “Fuck.”

 

Luckily, Kristen is sitting on one side of him, and Taran is sitting on the other, and Seth and Paul are across the table. Only the two of them heard him say it. Kristen doesn’t say anything. Taran only mumbles a confused “What?”

 

Bill finally agrees, with a sort of “Totally, but only if Mulaney and I can write another Stefon sketch.”

 

He and John stay late Tuesday night working on it. Paul sticks behind and writes a Vogelcheck skit with Fred. Seth goes home the minute he can, which is irresponsible considering he’s a head writer. Bill gathers that he had told Lorne there was something important at home that needed to be taken care of, and Lorne let him go.

 

Paul suggests they make out, “to practice,” he insists. Bill knows that if he says no thanks, Paul will tease him about only wanting to kiss Seth, which despite how true it may or may not be, he cannot deal with right now. So he obliges, and he makes out with Paul for a little, trying to ignore Fred whistling behind him.

 

When he pulls away, Bill wipes the slobber off his mouth and frowns. “Disgusting, but it’ll have to do.” Fred claps his hands together quickly and gestures for Paul to help him start writing again. 

 

On Wednesday, at the read through, Paul thinks they should try making out there again. Seth’s fingers start bouncing on the table as soon as he says it, and Bill tells him they should wait until an actual run-through. Bill tries not to memorize too much of the Stefon skit because he knows that John will inevitably change parts of it.

 

That Saturday, Bill hates to say it, but he’s glad Paul will be gone soon, because as much as he loves the guy, he can’t handle the constant egging he’s getting about  _ When is he gonna make a move on Seth?  _ and _ It’s because he’s in love with Seth, isn’t he? _

 

It’s more tiring than it should be.

 

Bill makes it through most of the show fine, even through the Kissing Family, ignoring Seth’s sour looks from sidestage. He manages up until his Julian Assange skit.

 

That’s when things go incredibly wrong.

 

“Hello again,” He smirks, sitting up a little straighter. “It’s me, Julian Assange. I’ve taken over your airways from inside a British prison. How’d I get a camera into a British prison?” His voice hitches, and he tries not to let his gaze fall on the audience. “Maybe you weren’t listening. I’m Julian Assange.”

 

Bill pauses again, lets the audience laugh, and catches glimpse of people he recognizes. His breathing quickens, and he tries to continue on with the script. “This Monday I was arrested, proving that, for those who terrorize the United States, there’s nowhere to hide.” His head starts pounding, and it’s all  _ bad, bad, bad, _ but he has to keep going, he has to. “America will find you, and they will punish you. Unless, of course, your name is Osama Bin Laden.” 

 

He remembers he’s got a glass of whiskey in his hand, so he slowly brings it to his lips, like it will help him make it through the sketch. It gets a laugh out of the audience, but Bill genuinely feels like he’s going to explode any second now. “No, I was not arrested for terrorism, but rather to be questioned on two rape charges.  It has long been Interpol's job to hunt down those accused of sexual misdeeds. Who can forget their months-long pursuit of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger? Double standard, anyone?” He sips from the China glass again, his eyes shutting tightly as he tries to steady his breathing.

 

“Now, onto business. If I'm not released immediately, supporters of the WikiLeaks are prepared to take the following web sites: Amazon. If I am forcibly imprisoned for one more day, anyone purchasing Mark Twain's new autobiography on Amazon as a Christmas present for their father, will instead send him the book "Everyone Poops." Ho ho ho — awkward!”

 

“Orbitz. If I'm held for  _ two _ more days, any holiday flight booked through Orbitz will have a connection at the Cleveland International Airport. Also: All special requests will be logged as Middle Seat Kosher Meal. L'chaim!” Bill begins to laugh, but it sounds strangled and weak, and when he looks to the audience again, he nearly starts crying then and there. 

 

“Day Three: Facebook. You know that one profile picture that makes you look  _ thin _ ? It's gone. Boo hoo! On the fourth day, we will move on to the Facebook game FarmVille, and... Leave it alone. So people you barely remember from high school can continue to bother you with requests to water their stupid crops. Hooray!”

 

“Day Five: Netflix. Have you seen the fourth season of "Hanging With Mr. Cooper?" You're about to! It's first on your queue! Angry Birds. If I'm held for six days, the birds in the popular app Angry Birds will no longer be angry. "What are you playing? Good-Natured Birds? How is it?" It stinks!”

 

“And if I'm incarcerated for one whole week, we start messing with porn sites — the free ones. Ooh! Got your attention now, do I?” He begins to laugh again, but it hurts his chest, and he can’t breathe. “There you have it. Hope to see you on the outside. In conclusion, I want to remind you that no matter how I die, even if there's a suicide note, it was murder. Cheers!” 

 

He quickly brings the whiskey to his mouth again and exits stage as fast as he can. He makes a beeline towards  _ Seth, where’s Seth? _ There are tears pricking at the back of his eyes, and he’s ready to scream or cry or punch something, maybe all three at the same time. 

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Seth stops Bill in the hallway, and he’s shaking, so Seth grabs his shoulders to calm him down. He’s dropped his cup by now, and heard it shatter, but he doesn’t know where it is. Not that it matters anymore, because he can’t fucking  _ breathe. _ “Bill, Bill, calm down,” Seth’s voice is quiet, and he pulls Bill to a chair, looking panicked. Bill can’t help but feel guilty for all of this, but  _ fuck, fuck, fuck. _

 

“They’re here,” He gasps, moving his hands to cover his face. “Seth, m-my parents are here.”

 

“Fuck,” Seth mutters. “I've got, uh, five or so minutes before I have to go on, you’ve got ten. I-I’ll get Kristen, or something, unless you want me to stay, b-but—”

 

“Stay,” Bill mumbles, and there’s tears streaming down his face, and everything is so loud, and Seth frowns.

 

“You’re gonna be— You’re gonna be fine. Okay?” But he sounds more like he’s reassuring himself than he is Bill.

 

Bill manages to calm himself down enough to go back on in time. He slips into his Stefon persona easier than ever, and pretends nothing is different. He pretends he knows nothing about the girl his parents insist he is, and he doesn't even look in their direction.    
  
He doesn't break down again when he gets offstage. He doesn't feel anything.   
  
He sits in Seth's dressing room with his legs curled to his chest. Seth offers him a water, and he declines. They sit in silence until fifteen minutes after the show is over.   
  
There's a soft knock on the door, and Kristen's voice calls through quietly. "Is Bill in there?" 

 

Seth, of course, makes the mistake of saying “Yes!” and opening the door. Bill buries his head in his knees as soon as he sees his parents on either side of Kristen, and suddenly breathing has gotten a whole lot harder and requires a lot more focus.

 

“Honey,” His mom muses. “It’s been too long.”

 

And suddenly his head is spinning, and he stands up so fast that all the blood rushes from his head and he feels like he’s about to pass out. He can hear his dad behind him going “Kasey! Don’t run off!” as he proceeds to run off, and Seth faintly wondering aloud “Who’s Kasey?” before he realizes  _ oh shit, _ and Bill doesn’t think about it long enough to let it get to him, not yet.

 

“Bill!” Seth shouts after him, and it’s closer this time, so he turns around and immediately sinks against Seth’s chest. His breathing is shallow and he’s shaking, and  _ fuck _ , why did his parents have to come?

 

“That’s not her name, you know,” Bill’s mom says from Seth’s side. Seth glares at her as best he can, still trying to comfort Bill.

 

“Yes it is,” He hisses through gritted teeth, and Bill has never been more thankful for Seth. “His name is Bill.”

 

“No, it’s not,” His dad sighs exasperatedly, taking a seat. “Her name is Kasey. Fucks sake.”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Bill mumbles, but he can’t make himself say it any louder. The room is getting hotter, and he can hear voices in the distance, or maybe they’re all right next to him? He can’t even tell anymore. He stumbles back a little when he pulls away from Seth, aiming a crooked and trembling finger at his parents. “You— You told me to— To get out. F-for a reason. You can’t j-just come back into my life like th-that and ruin it! You— You can’t do that!” His voice gets more frantic, and it cracks left and right, and his mom nearly looks sympathetic.

 

“Kasey, honey,” She starts up again, frowning. Bill feels his shoulders tense up more, and he tries to focus on breathing but a crowd has gathered, and  _ fuck _ , everyone will know, everyone will know, everyone will know. “You just need to get some help, now. We thought you’d grow out of it, but we keep seeing you, on TV, and it’s someone you’re not. You can’t keep pretending. Look what happened to you! I can barely recognize you!” She nearly seems sad, but she doesn’t have the right to be upset. 

 

“Get out!” Bill’s hands run down his face, and he takes a shaky breath, echoing himself a little quieter. “Get out.”

 

“Kasey,” His dad stands up. “We’re your parents! We came all the way from Oklahoma—“

 

“I didn’t ask you to!” A bitter laugh escapes Bill’s lips, and he can feel people staring at him, but he doesn’t care enough about that at the moment to give it a second thought. “I didn’t ask you to come here and fuck up my life like this. You’re not a part of this anymore! And— And you haven’t been in a long time!”

 

“Don’t speak to your father like that!” His mom objects. “You’re lucky we haven’t already told everyone that you’re— you’re  _ diseased _ like this! You’re delusional, honey, your father and I just wanted to help you.”

 

“By kicking me out?” Bill is getting angrier by the second, and he knows he should probably calm down but he’s too  _ furious _ because this just  _ isn’t fair.  _ “You thought kicking me out would help anything? You didn’t even  _ try _ to understand! Katie and Kara understood it, why couldn’t you listen to me?”

 

“Because it’s just not  _ right!” _ His mother insists, and Bill finally realizes he’s been crying when he lifts his hands to his face again and they come back damp.

 

“Shut the fuck up already!” Bill is nearly yelling at this point, and everyone else is quiet. “Shut the fuck up. Just go! Just go already. I know you don’t love me anymore, and I don’t  _ care. _ ”

 

His dad purses his lips, grabs his mom’s hand, and mumbles something along the lines of “C’mon, Sherri, let’s go.”

 

Bill sinks to the ground the minute they’re gone, his breathing going sharp again when he remembers that  _ everyone saw that _ . 

 

Seth sits next to him and hesitantly wraps an arm over his shoulder. “That fucking sucked,” He mumbles, and Bill tucks his knees to his chest, burying his head in them. “I’m sorry that had to happen.”

 

Kristen kneels down on his other side after a minute. “A-and I’m sorry for bringing them in. I— I didn’t know that your relationship was that bad. If I’d known, I— I wouldn’t have let that happen.”

 

“It fucking is,” Bill mumbles. “Everyone knows now, don’t they?” And he can’t bare to lift his head from his knees. As if to prove his point, Taran wonders aloud—

 

“Who the hell is Kasey?” 

 

Bill cringes at the name out of Taran’s mouth. “Don’t say that,” He warns shakily. The room is incredibly quiet, and it’s making him uncomfortable, so he tries to stand up. Everything is spinning, and all eyes are on him. “I’m going home.”

 

+

 

Seth knocks on Bill’s door early the next morning, wringing his hands together. Bill answers quite reluctantly, because he isn’t exactly planning on talking to anyone until he really has to.

 

“You can’t hide forever,” Seth frowns. “No matter how bad you want to. Can I come in?”

 

Bill steps aside, running a hand through his hair. “Sure, but only because I don’t think you’ll let me tell you no.”

 

“You’re right there,” Seth grimaces, and Bill lets out a bitter laugh that sounds strangled coming out of his lips.

 

“Why did you even bother coming?” Bill sits down on his couch, bringing his knees to his chest. 

 

Seth raises an eyebrow. “Because you’re my friend, and I’m worried about you?” He hesitantly takes a seat next to Bill. “Everyone’s worried about you.”

 

“Yeah?” Bill snorts. “It’s not like I lied to them for five years about who I am, and my background, and all of that bullshit.”

 

“They’re not— They’re not  _ angry with you, _ Bill,” Seth frowns deeply, wrapping his arm lightly over Bill’s shoulders. “They’re just kind of confused, and Kristen and I try to explain to them, but we aren’t exactly qualified to explain  _ for _ you, and they won’t hear it from us. They wanna hear it from you.”

 

“Oh,” Bill says, how extremely eloquent of him. Seth nods and they fall into silence for a few minutes before Bill gathers up the courage to speak again. “So they don’t hate me?”

 

“Of course not, dumbass,” Seth snorts, and Bill can’t really tell if he means it in a rude way, so he just assumes that he doesn’t. “They’re worried about you.” 

 

“Oh,” Bill sighs, because it just clicked. “You came here because everyone was wondering where I was. Not— Not because you wanted to.”

 

“Well, yeah, that too, but,” Seth shrugs weakly. “It’s mostly because I care about you. If I didn’t come, Jason was going to. I don’t think you want that.”

 

Bill tries to ignore the disappointment settling in his gut. “Thanks,” His tongue feels dry, and he stares at the floor, because that floor is  _ suddenly so fucking interesting.  _ “I appreciate it.”

 

“Look, Bill, don’t be mad at me—”

 

“Why do you keep calling me that?” Bill lets out a strangled laugh. “You know the other option now. You could always go with that.”

 

“I— Why would I do that?” Seth laughs as well, and his laugh sounds nearly as warped. “I’m not a dickhead, I’m not gonna call you that. It’s stupid that you’d even think I would.” 

 

“I just… I’m sorry, nobody ever treats me the same once they know. I’m not used to it,” Bill sighs, just about ready to fucking  _ curl up and die.  _ “You’re too nice to me, you’re  _ way  _ too nice to me.”

 

“I’m— I’m just trying to be a decent person,” Seth frowns. “It doesn’t seem like there’s been many of those for you, in the past.”

 

“That sounds about right,” Bill sighs. “So you’re saying I should go talk to everyone?”

 

“Well, yeah,” Seth shrugs lightly. “If you’re comfortable with it, anyways. Don’t wanna force you into it or anything.”

 

Bill stares at the incredibly interesting ground once again. “Gimme ten. And a ride there, I’m not up for driving.”

 

Seth’s mouth twitches up in a smile. “Deal.”

 

Bill’s breathing nearly stops the minute he sets foot in the room. The chatter fades far too quickly, and it makes the air feel stuffy and uncomfortable. Everyone’s eyes are on him. 

 

Seth clears his throat. “Bill probably wants some, uh, space for now. So just-- Don’t bombard him with a ton of questions right now, and not all at once.” He guides Bill towards a seat, and Bill refuses to look up, too focused on controlling his breathing to add on or thank him.

Fred is the first person to try and talk to him. He sits next to Bill while Seth is off pitching an idea to Lorne.

 

"So you were a girl?" He asks innocently.    
  
Bill bites on his lip. "Not really."   
  
Fred nods in what might be understanding and goes back to talking with Jason about some sketch idea or another.   
  
Bill breathes out a sigh in relief and goes back to doodling on the side of the paper he makes his notes on.

 

Nobody asks him about it for the rest of the day.

 

The next person to ask is Jason. He asks Tuesday night while Bill is writing, and he asks far too many questions for Bill’s liking.

 

Nobody else asks him about it. Sometimes they look at him differently, like they’re searching for something that might have changed. As much as it sucks, it’s better than what he might have expected, and he’s thankful for that much.

 

+

 

Everything is as normal as it could possibly be (given the circumstances) until New Year’s Eve. Every year, the cast has a New Year's Eve party, and every year, Bill tries to stay as sober as possible, but it never quite works for him.

 

He’s doing considerably better than usual, on his third drink just before midnight. His fingers are drumming on the countertop, his vision a little hazy and his ears buzzing from all the noise. Seth is sitting on the stool next to him, very preoccupied with spinning it from side to side.

 

Bill has his fingers curled around his drink and he’s watching Seth intently, for no particular reason other than to watch him. Jorm is hanging off Andy’s side, Kiv somewhere awkwardly next to them, Fred is chatting drunkenly with Jason, and Bill is just… Watching Seth spin in his chair like it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen.

 

Before he knows it, he’s finished his drink and the countdown is going, lights are flashing.

 

_ Ten. _

_ Nine. _

_ Eight. _

 

Seth has stopped spinning in his chair, and he’s staring at Bill with this  _ look.  _ This look in his eyes that catches Bill’s heart in his throat.

 

_ Seven. _

_ Six. _

_ Five. _

 

His cheeks are faintly pink, and maybe it’s the alcohol, but Bill wants to believe that maybe it’s because of him. 

 

_ Four. _

 

His stomach flips when he stands up, because _ fuck,  _ there’s no way he can be reading this wrong.

 

_ Three. _

_ Two. _

_ One. _

 

Seth laughs, and it’s the only thing Bill can hear over everyone’s cheers. He’s dropped his beer bottle, and it’s shattered to the ground, but that doesn’t matter right now. Nothing matters right now, because suddenly Seth’s lips are on his, and that’s his whole world. Seth’s arms go over his shoulders and his hands grab at Seth’s shirt, maybe a little at his skin, all he knows is they both want  _ more, more, more. _

 

Seth is the only thing that matters, Seth’s hand in his hair, Seth’s lips against his own, kissing him like there’s no tomorrow.

 

They only break apart for breath. Seth’s forehead rests against Bill’s, and he’s grinning, his cheeks pinker than before. 

 

The only thing he can manage to get out of his mouth is a breathy “Happy New Year’s, Seth Meyers.”

 

{fin}


End file.
